HEALING THE "WOUNDED INNER CHILD"
I started my Co-dependency recovery approximately a little over two years now. I wasn't new to the 12-Step Program. I had been involved in the AA Program since February 1983. Although I worked this program to the best of my ability at this time, I now see that I was not completely honest with me. I was married to a recovering person at this time. I did not have my complete recovery in focus and wanted to assist another person in recovery as well. At this time, I did not know anything about co-dependency. Now I can see how my behaviors/attitudes contributed to my poor relationship skills. I am not trying to blame myself here. It is just a fact that I recognize at this time.
Approximately three years ago, after a divorce (2nd), I discovered I needed the support of CoDA. I didn't just seek out my first CoDA meeting. It was upon the advice of a therapist who has done the deep inner healing work himself suggested that I might want to try attending a CoDA meeting. At first, I fought him and myself. I thought that AA was all that I needed. After all I had admitted that I was a recovering alcoholic and was attending Alanon meetings at this time, learning about feelings. I am still involved in individual therapy at this time. I am learning to look at what I am feeling, what does it remind me of, and what is the purpose now for thinking like this, and is it effective at this moment to solve my problem(s). I have such a "critical parent" (judge) inside myself that when I am doing what I know to be right, sometimes this "critical parent" gets really loud and tries to discourage me about feeling OK or talking with my sponsor or reading 12-Step literature or spiritual literature. I am beginning to understand that the loud, accusing voice, is my disease (dis-ease) yammering at me. How to get it to leave or become quiet? At first, it was quite a struggle. Now, I just recognize that this is the dis-ease. I try to focus on what I am doing right at the moment and try to tell myself that I am a most love Child of God, filled with Light and Love and I have a purpose and am traveling my journey's path Home.
Sometimes it works and sometimes I can still let the dis-ease get a hold of me. It's getting easier though to recognize when this is taking place.
I see now that my "inner child" was damaged at a very early age and I lost me at a very young age. I learned how to hide in a number of ways from what I was truly feeling in order to survive growing up in a dysfunctional home filled with craziness due to alcoholism and insanity. I can remember feeling how did I get put into this family...maybe the hospital made a mistake...maybe they got the babies mixed up somehow. This just couldn't be the family where I was supposed to grow up. Talk about screwed up thinking at such a young age!! Other times I used to have thoughts about being transported by aliens here on this earth plane and they dropped me of at the wrong destination! I know this sounds really weird, but perhaps some of you other recovering co-dependents may have experienced similar feelings...we don't know if we don't share our feelings. By sharing our strengths, experiences and hope, is how we all recover into healthy, whole human beings. I heard from someone that we are all Spiritual beings who are having Human experiences! I truly agree with this statement. It feels right in my soul.
Well, I have rambled on long enough. Sometimes I can go off in tangents. I hope my sharing of myself has helped someone else. I know just by writing this it has helped me gain my perceptive and clarity into myself. Thank you so much for allowing me the privilege to share with you.
May the Eternal Force of Your Being move you along your journey's path to living joyous and happy lives!