“It HURTS to heal sometimes”
Today is October 9th, 2001. Eighteen years ago tomorrow, I met a woman who became the love of my life; I felt like this was my true “Soul mate”, and things did not work out between us all those years ago. We were both very young, and our relationship was unlike any I had ever experienced before. It was the most terrible, the most wonderful, the most ecstatic, the most excruciating, the most EXTREME relationship I ever had. When we split up, it took a full SIX YEARS before she was not in my waking thoughts every single day. I’ll refer to her as “Kris”.
After I split with “Kris”, I moved in with a woman I had been seeing at the same time I was seeing her, and eventually, we got married. Since it took me 6 years to get over “Kris”, that took it’s toll on the marriage, and throughout those 6 years, I had affair after affair, always trying to “recapture” those feelings I had for “Kris”-essentially “looking” for her in each affair, unsuccessfully. When that first 6 years was over, I tried for another 6 years to make it work, it was too little, too late, and the marriage failed.
After my now ex-wife and I split up, I dated one woman, who triggered my co-dependency to levels I had never experienced before, and it became the most terrible relationship I have ever experienced. That relationship began just a month before my divorce was final, and ended 4 months later. A few months after that, I had a relationship with a married woman who lived in another state, and that ended with my need to seek therapy. Of course, the therapy never did address the co-dependency that existed.
For the most part, I have been nearly celibate and have not dated anyone for the better part of 4-1/2 years; as you might expect, this has become rather lonely.
Three months ago, while I was on vacation, I decided to look up “Kris”; we spoke on the telephone, exchanged e-mail addresses, then photos, and soon telephone numbers. We began corresponding, and she intimated to me how unhappy she was in her current job and career, and how she considered MY career to be very exciting.
At one point, she was to move down to my city, into my apartment, and I was to train her on my career, and help her get a job in this industry. She quit her job, got on unemployment, and I have been supplementing her income since that point. I drove 500 miles to her home, and we came down over Labor Day weekend, bringing all of her belongings that she had not given away. Once she got here, she proceeded to break a very important promise to me, so I moved her back to her hometown the very next weekend.
“Kris” has been in therapy, I’ve discovered during the course of our contact, off and on for some 27 years, and is taking anti-depressants. I myself began seeking therapy to help me deal with all of the emotions and reactions I am and have been feeling, and soon discovered that I am co-dependent. I found out SHE is being treated by HER therapist for co-dependency, and that she probably is quite some distance along her healing path.
It’s at that point that I read a book at the recommendation of my therapist, and discovered co-dependency, and realize how I have been acting in textbook form as a co-dependent in this relationship. I see that most or all of the things I’ve been feeling have been directly affected by my own behavior, and worse, they probably have CAUSED a good part of it.
I now realize that I am co-dependent; I now know that in order to heal, I must stop the obsessive behavior I have been exhibiting toward this woman. I also realize that in order to do that, I must detach from her. In order to detach enough to STOP the obsessions, it appears to me that I may have to say goodbye to her.
Even if I DON’T say goodbye to her, if I CAN somehow “adjust my attitude” toward her enough to fully detach from her, that means I must release my hopes and dreams of ever having a romantic relationship with the woman who has been the love of my life, and THAT HURTS more than anything I’ve ever experienced before in my life, not only because of the feelings I have for her NOW, but also because of the feelings I had for her THEN, and the feelings that could grow in the future. I will have to watch the death of those hopes and dreams.
In order to HEAL, I must endure some PAIN, and though I want to heal so I won’t keep making the same mistakes I have all my life that have resulted in me getting hurt, it is VERY TOUGH to go through this particular pain. The more I learn about this disorder, the more I realize that it HURTS to heal sometimes.