Searching for my Higher Power
I was waiting and praying for a message from my Higher Power;
I was wondering if such a thing existed. In working the Steps, you come to that
part pretty early on in the healing process....
It came about a day following a long talk with my 23 year old daughter. I was explaining why I didn't keep touch with my retarded twin brother. I last saw him about 22 years ago.
I explained that he had many emotional problems; he couldn't relate to his family very well at all. In fact, his irrational demands and occasional physical violent behavior led my sister and I to cut all ties over 20 years ago. I explained that I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but .. that's what was done. I don't miss him, I may never see him again, and that's ok. I have a feeling that he has been reasonably happy in the years since we stopped communicating. You see, he's a charming guy, who can relate to others on his own terms.
My problem has been dealing with the tremendous guilt that I harbored for so very many years. I felt that no one really would understand how I could just cut all ties with a twin.. a handicapped twin. ..
I was driving through upstate NY after visiting my sister and friends. My sister, by the way, lost touch with my brother years before I did. I stopped in the town where he probably still lives. Not a town, really, but a metropolitan area of over a quarter of a million people.
I was there for no more than an hour. I spoke with three people. I saw no more than 50 people during my brief stopover on the way home to Long Island.
Two strangers I spoke with were employees at the check out counter. The third actually came up to me while I was shopping. Her name was Michelle. She tapped me on the shoulder. She asked if I had a brother.. a twin? I said yes. She mentioned my brother's name. I said yes. She told me she thought so.. that we two looked so much alike. I asked "how is he doing?" She replied that she hadn't seen him in nearly 10 years; she worked at a community residence at the time, and got to know him pretty well." But that was 10 years ago..." That is when I told her I hadn't seen him in 20. I mentioned about his behavior that was so unmanageable.. how his demands were so bizarre and his behavior at times violent.
She said two words that I never dreamed anyone would say to my behavior towards my brother. Michelle said "I understand." I told her I thought she may be the only person in the World who did. After all, most considered that I abandoned him.
I've shared that story to a couple of groups. I'm still reeling from this tiny woman (about 5' tall) who came to me and tapped me on the shoulder. Higher Power? ... Yep.. I'm convinced...
Funny thing was that during my explanation to my daughter about why I haven't kept touch with my brother I mentioned that that could change. I told her that I've changed a great deal in the past year, and that one day I may be ready do stop by and say "hello" to that brother of mine. I feel no deep urge to do so .. Michelle confirmed my feeling that my brother has found happiness and security in an environment which probably never required me, his brother.
Thanks for listening.