Death and Recovery
Last year a former member of my CoDA meeting, Toni, committed suicide. She attended the meeting
for about two years and moved to another city. Toni maintained a strong friendship with another
member here, Lesley. One Monday, Toni didn't show up for work. Lesley expressed concern and fear
as she processed what she knew. That afternoon Lesley called the police and that evening the news
came that Toni was gone. I heard the guilt in Lesley's voice as she did the "if onlys." Lesley has
worked hard on her recovery, and I believe she will process her grief and realize she was powerless
over Toni.
It took a day for my feelings to surface. I felt so sad. I've been in Toni's shoes thinking that no one
would care if I died and what a logical solution death seemed. I asked my brother once, "would you
care if I died?" He responded, "I wouldn't be surprised if you killed yourself one day." I thought,
"Wow, he doesn't mind." He was on of the reasons I struggled to hang on because I didn't want to
inflict more loss on him. I felt released hearing him say that. The next morning he phoned wanting
to talk to me during lunch. He had contacted several therapists that morning and was told that I was
suicidal or borderline. I was stunned and a little disappointed because the "release" was not there
after all. He never told me he loved or cared about me then (we didn't grow up in an emotion-based
family) but his actions spoke loudly and I heard the message. I told him I
wouldn't do it, and I kept my promise. Today I realize his actions
then were important to why I survived those dark days. I am grateful.
I've been in the black hole of despair and know how hopeless things can
appear. Problems don't get better by themselves and there's no magic
pill to make them better. They get better because I'm willing to fight
for myself, go to meetings, and feel the pain and fear I used to stuff.
To heal I have to do the work. Work that Toni, for whatever reason,
was not able to do. some people seem to think that codependency isn't
that dangerous because it doesn't kill your liver or destroy your body so
obviously as other addictions do. It kills in more subtle ways like
putting yourself in dangerous situations. I am so glad I reached out
and got help. I gritted my teeth, took the steps and did the work.
I slowly got better and I thank my Higher Power for the gift.
I will mourn Toni. My friend has found peace int he arms of her
loving Higher Power. I asked members if it was alright to honor Toni
at our CoDA meeting and they graciously agreed even though several members
had not met Toni. Lesley read a couple of e-mails from Toni. I
read a share from a member who had moved away. Then we opened the
meeting to sharing. It was a powerful experience. CoDA has given
me the tools to work through despair in my life--that's why I keep coming
back.
Submitted by:
Anonymous
Jul 2011