Steps 6 and 7:  Why Aren't My Defects of Character Disappearing? 

 

This writing has been discovery for me about my own recovery as I worked with a sponsee.

 

I’ve been working  Step 7 and noticed it’s power has been coming up in other parts of my life.  I believe that Step 7 is one of the most important steps for recovery in any 12-step program.  Specifically, the difference between "becoming entirely ready" (for God to remove my defects of character) and "humbly asking" God to do that.  Many people (in  my experience) believe that the defects of character are the CoDA codependent traits and patterns, and if we ask God to take them away, God will without any effort on our part.  I see it differently. 

 

I believe that codependent traits and patterns (say control, avoidance or denial) are fueled by underlying defects of character which are the true nature of our wrongs (important words in Step 4) and is usually a core belief that is faulty or dangerous.  For example, if I believe that I am worthless, that will manifest itself in a number of codependent traits and behaviors.  I believe that becoming entirely ready means that I stop acting out in ways that hurt others and myself.  Recovery from the true nature of my defects requires that I stop the compulsive behavior so that I can see what the misperceptions and underlying false beliefs are that comprise the true nature of my defects. If I continue to practice codependent, addictive behaviors, I will be blinded by my own feelings, reactions or reactions of others, that obscure the true nature of my defects.  When I abstain from my addictive behaviors, though it won't be done perfectly, I am then entirely ready to humbly                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        ask my Higher Power to change my negative perceptions of myself, and the false beliefs that have fueled my codependent behavior.  I also believe that I can’t even see the false perceptions until I stop making choices that manifest the false perceptions about myself. Then the false beliefs and misperceptions can be removed at God’s time and place without effort on my part.  When my perceptions are not distorted, my thoughts, actions, choices and opinions change.  Transformation to a centered, healthy character could be accomplished in the span of minutes or days, not years.  

 

I think it is important to understand the order and nature of this two-step process.  If I do the same thing over and over again expecting different results and expect a Higher Power to spare me the hard work and pain of abstinence from codependent traits and patterns, I will continue to injure others and myself!  This strategy is predictably unsuccessful (self defeating).

 

I thought I had completed Step 7 hundreds of times.  In the area of relationships, though, I was still practicing the same addictive behavior (that having a particular person in my life would make everything work in my life.) I ignored red flags, proceeding in the face of contrary advice from people I trusted.  I trusted the "high" of being pursued and the "high drama" of insecurity being in an unhealthy relationship. I expected God to give me healthy relationships.  Only when I stopped the addictive codependent behavior of seeking out people who didn’t advance my happiness and higher spiritual interests, did I fully understand the true nature of my defect.  I knew I was entirely ready for God to remove my misperception about my worth AFTER I stopped acting out, and my continuing humble request to God, to forever remove the belief that I am not worthy of healthy love.  I believe that is happening today, but the proof will be in the nature of relationships I choose today, tomorrow and each day for the rest of my life.  When I am willing to become entirely ready, demonstrated in my abstinence from those things which harm myself and others, then upon my humble request, my Higher Power promises to do the work of removing my character defects, the conscious and unconscious beliefs I hold that prevent me from being happy, joyous and free!

 

Karla K. (January, 2013)