My codependency began when I was a teenager. My dad had a mental Illness that caused hIm to abandon my mother and I for weeks or months at a tIme. There were tImes I asked mom not to let hIm come back but she was committed to saving her marriage. I thInk she Is codependent too. It was a struggle for me because at fIrst I was daddIes’ gIrl. Then I transitIoned into daddies’ way. HIs Illness was progressive. One tIme when he was home I asked hIm If I could get a part-tIme job. He told me that If I would behave and do what I should he would get me what I want. I couldn’t do good enough for hIm anymore and at the tIme I thought It was my fault. That I wasn’t and would never be good enough to have any Independence.
From age 14 on I acted codependently towards men. If I thought they were doIng somethIng agaInst me, I trIed manipulation and everythIng else I could thInk of to fIx them so they would take care of me. I know I couldn’t leave my past behInd me tIll I could process what all had happened but I wasn’t sure how.
Several months ago I got the help I was lookIng for. I was fInally able to identIfy the messages and beliefs I had gotten about myself that were holdIng me back. That I was not good enough. That Identification led to a challenge. I was goIng to prove those messages wrong. The boss at a job I had quIt found out about my new dIscovery and hIred me back and I really gave myself a chance to work. I started becomIng Independent. I realized my boyfriend was holding me back and I broke up wIth hIm. I now lIve alone but I’m not lonely. I have God, and some good friends. But guess what! I used to be my own worst enemy. Now I’m my own best friend. I still am codependent and wIll always be, but with practice of self-care and self-control I will be In recovery. I still live single by choice but with hope to one day have a healthy relationship In the future.
Emma B – 01/23/2018