I’m still so very fragile. So vulnerable. So scared. All the while knowing that there is a God, that I cannot control others, only myself.
I make so much ground only to slip back, wanting to save the very person who broke me over 25 years and 6 kids later.
I entered this marriage tall and proud of myself and all the accomplishments I had made on my own. I knew how good I was. How kind I was. How I would take care of anyone because I was that strong and I could handle anything.
This strength is also what took me down. I took so much on it was at the expense of myself and my family. Then when my own family went through our own trials and tribulations I realized how emotionally detached my spouse was. He pointed out my flaws that I knew innately did not exist, but somehow I started to doubt myself. He slowly chipped away until there was not much left.
It was a slow, persistent process that brought me down to a level I never believed that I would ever know. I was the strong person, the good person, the kind person, the giving person.
I lost my faith not only in myself, but in my God. I was mad at Him. So mad. How can you do this to me?? ME?? I did everything right! You can’t exist. I lived in this dark desperate place for 10 of the 25 years of my marriage. I turned to drugs to ease my pain. To quiet my mind. To not know what I was being told everyday, even when I knew it was not true.
I sank deeper and deeper.
I was never suicidal, but I remember thinking one day, “It would be easier to be dead than to never know Vicki again.” I had not felt alive in so very long. It was like a light switch turned on a few weeks after this thought. While I cannot claim to be completely healed or to have all the answers, I was alive again. I remembered what it felt like to be Vicki. I found God again. It felt so good. I can’t tell you how alive I felt again.
I started to stand up for self again: with my kids and with my husband. Nobody liked this. Me finding myself didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. I found the issues only got worse at home. There were no boundaries I could enforce because I had lost so much over those 10 years.
This is not saying I did not put up a fight because I did. I was not perfect—far from it in fact. However, the awakening brought me back to myself, my God, to CoDA and it allowed me to leave an environment I would have dedicated and sacrificed self to for the rest of my days.
I am glad I found this place of support: to be heard, to share, to listen, to reflect, to learn, to grow, to be me again 100%!
Vicki T. – 03/05/2019