I have grieved the loss of four parents, a baby daughter, a brother, friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and many beloved pets. Each one was as difficult as the last.
Since I have been in recovery and working hard and earnestly on my codependent issues, I’m suffering a different kind of loss now.
Not only am I experiencing the death of myself and my core issues from early on faulty wiring, but each time I flex a new muscle that I didn’t know I had, I lose friends who I thought were firm and solid at the foundation. I thought the core of our relationship was as hard as stone, yet began crumbling when I set boundaries.
This is not only confusing, but it triggers me on so many levels such as my self-esteem, trust, conditional love and acceptance, loss, and finally grieving.
The loss of a friendship is like a death.
During recovery, there were people who understood what I was doing, and why I had to do it. They have given me space, respect, strength courage, and understanding.
To these people I am grateful.
Some people though, even after seeing what happened to me in 2018 from me drinking for years to bury my codependent scars, also when I spent years being the invisible force holding up their stage prop as they took all the bows for themself.
Not to mention the friends I spent years being codependent by supplying them with food and meals and whatever they needed for years.
I had feelings from the start that something was wrong and I ignored those feelings and found myself in a relationship that was nothing more than a give and take, and take a whole lot more sinkhole of relationships. When I was in the hospital, people stepped up for my husband, but not other people, unless monetary gain was involved, even after more than a decade of helping some of them out in more ways than I can mention.
My attempt at setting boundaries has been met with anger and pettiness. My attempt to explain my recovery has fallen on deaf ears again and again until I am forced to walk away. It’s so painful when this happens. People who I never thought would turn on me in years have done just that, and others whom I didn’t think would be there, were there through all of it with me, and they continue to be respectful and understanding with me while I discover myself along the good road of healing.
Thank you for reading my story
Pamela W – 9/2/20