It’s late or early, 1:00am, you decide. It always starts with a feeling in my gut that something isn’t right. I get anxious and I fight with myself and I give in! I grab my recovering addict husband’s phone and off I go on detective mode.
At least that was what I would do but not today. Today was different. You might wonder… “What was she looking for?”
I was looking for clues to the toxic story that is set to play on repeat in my mind—almost as if I’m collecting evidence against my husband. I always find something! “Aha! I caught you!” Works every time. Truth is… we always find what we want to see.
It first began with, “Is he using again? And if so, who is supplying him now?” then the thought shifted. I made it about me, the question in my thoughts was now, “Who is he talking to and why does he like her better?” This story I tell myself has become unmanageable, I can no longer function because the story took root In the memories of my childhood trauma and emotional abuse. I go down a rabbit hole of self defeat!
Every time my husband would relapse and I would make it about me and blame myself. I would take my husband’s relapse as his soul’s inner cry for help screaming that he didn’t want to be married to an unstable toxic woman like me.
I began to hurt myself during my fits of rage. Fits of rage that would manifest themselves whenever I would feel rejected, replaced or not good enough. I would blame my husband’s addiction and validation-seeking tendencies for my sorrow and self-inflicted pain.
Today I stopped! I did something bold and crazy; I took responsibility and ownership of my thoughts and feelings. I came to accept that I needed help. I literally had a convulsion on one occasion because I was so upset.
Today was my first online meeting with CoDA. It was time to face my giant, it was time to really accept that I was not ok. As I logged into the CoDA meeting I felt I was at home with many beautifully broken people just like me. Today, I chose to write my story instead of going through my husband’s phone.
6 months ago I realized I was codependent. I tried CoDA a couple of times but when I read the characteristics of who I was I did what I do best: I ran! It was a pill too big to swallow but that was then. I need CoDA. I need to get better for me.
Today, it was 1:00 am and I chose to read the stories of my sisters and brothers. Today, I chose to stop looking outward for “The Why” and start looking inward with the guidance of My Higher Power. Today, I write my story and share it with the world. Today I chose to do something loving and helpful for me.
Elizabeth H. 10/6/20