‘‘Fragmentation: the process or state of breaking or being broken into small or separate parts.’’
I was raised under strict, condemning circumstances, which were cold feelings and not a warm nurturing environment. I had to learn survival skills, just to get through a day in my nuclear family existence. Fear was my sidekick, and alertness was my precautionary superpower which was in high gear. When I was sleeping at night and throughout the day I would case the joint looking for potential situations which could lead to conflict or beatings and then make myself invisible somehow.
I could disappear into housework while hearing everything and seeing even more. Most times though, a beating was simply my destiny for that particular day. It was never for any particular reason, which has left me with a lifelong, ongoing feeling that I am about to be punished for something, even when I haven’t done anything to be punished for.
Human beings were born with the five senses for a reason. I think they help me to understand and detect so much about myself and the world around me. I feel that my senses were offended so much, that they can’t see or feel anything else now except where they have been frozen in time over a certain sense that had been violated, ignored, or shut down.
By being in the program of Codependents Anonymous for the past two years, I have been blessed with many wonderful fellows, a wonderful sponsor, mentors, and regular meetings. I’m learning how to unlearn most everything that I thought was unfixable and just the plain and simple assumption that I am just broken ‘me’.
There is a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage back together with gold lacquer, which is built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.
Entering into CoDA has opened my mind up to so many answers, which I have struggled to find the answers to for decades, and finally, I have arrived at my lifelong destination. The pieces of me are like a fragmented jigsaw puzzle, and each piece I find the proper place for will get me one fragment closer to finding my true, utmost inner nature.
Even if I do have to lacquer my pieces back together with gold! However, I intend on using honesty, love, understanding, patience, acceptance, and a whole lot of Higher Power instead, which is more precious and solid than gold any day. .
Thank You, G. W. 11-21-20