As I was journaling with my Higher Power recently, I learned something about myself. I was writing about my marriage relationship and observing my partner’s codependent behaviors which are usually different than mine. Keeping my boundaries in place, I did my best to be honest and objective in my observations. As I did, it was as if my HP turned on a light switch in my mind. All of a sudden it was clear that when my partner acted like a victim, consequently, so did I. The clarity was abrupt and impactful. I realized that my partner’s avoidance patterns consistently launched me into an unmanageable frenzy of rejection, panic, insecurity, and fear. With this insight, which seems obvious in retrospect, by trusting my HP and the program, I did not cozy up to self-pity, exchange with shame, or dive into indulgence (my life-long survival companions).
As I have gained experience by working the Steps and using the tools, I was able to take this awareness, share about it at a meeting, and let unmanipulated recovery come in HP’s timing, not mine. Above all, this occurrence reminded me how important it is to work my program daily. As I turn my will and life over to the care of my HP, I never know when a freeing lesson or nurturing experience is in store.
Lindsay F – 8/25/21