When I read the CoDA message today, I thought of my sister.
I was so dependent on her when I was a little girl. I admired her and she was my caretaker. And most of the time, she rebuffed and rejected me.
The CoDA reading was about the freedom that comes with acceptance that I cannot force someone to love me and I am not obligated to love either.
I am now in a good relationship where I am not rebuffed or rejected and I see myself at times wanting to discount this person, to say he isn’t that important to me or he’s not that great, mainly because he shows that he loves me, even when I am just being myself. Other times I am numb because he is doing something loving and I am threatened by it. I am so used to having to work hard to achieve the fantasy of love. I am fearful that if I sincerely accept he loves me and I love him, I will be rebuffed like with my sister.
It is so good to be reminded that I don’t have to work so hard to be loved, or to be forgiven for something un-named that I have done wrong, or that I am bad and unlovable…..that I can let go of obsessively chasing the impossible love, and stop seeking forgiveness.
When I read, “Being in recovery is being in peace” I feel part of it is to trust myself — that my sense of peace matters and is important. That I am not nuts to leave the drama of trying to convince someone who doesn’t care, that I am worthy. That peace is a preferred way to be. My higher power wants to bring peace into my life because I am worthy of feeling good — I don’t have to work very hard to earn peace. I have peace by accepting limitations and not trying to climb Mount Everest for a crumb of caring from someone who doesn’t care. My higher power thinks it’s just fine to be accepting of my feelings about my life and allow caring and love into my soul. I am eager to see where recovery leads me.
Joanne K – 8/3/21