I’ve been in 12-Step recovery more than 30 years off and on. I realize now that every time I went out on drugs it was over a codependent issue. With each loss I had no sense of self or self-love. I was in so much pain I really wanted to die!
I was extremely compliant, always looking at what could I do for others. I came to CoDA 7 years ago. It was total insanity with my mother, so my therapist suggested I might join CoDA. I didn’t think I was codependent. I thought, “I’m independent!” … I had no idea what always doing for others is about. Today I’m in a Step Group and oh, my goodness, these are definitely my core issues! So, I want to share my most recent lesson. I’m working the 4th Step in group. We decided to take each one of the characteristics and write, “How has this hurt me?” Then write, “How has this hurt others?” Wow, it totally kicked my butt! All these years in recovery I have never felt so accountable for myself. All those parts of me that I can be … mean, controlling, sarcastic, punishing, hurtful. Ouch! I was open, honest, and vulnerable. As hard as that was, I received a beautiful gift. A deep realization that we all as humans have qualities we are not so proud of. I believe we all have wonderful, beautiful, caring, giving, loving parts of ourselves as well. That is what makes us all human beings, all the good, and all the not so great.
It is leaving me with deep peace that it is okay to be human. This knowing and learning to love myself seems much bigger to me. I am precious and human, free to make mistakes, and have joy beyond measure! Thank you, CoDA.