I didn’t know it, but I was addicted to chaos. Perhaps addicted may be too strong a word, but I certainly was attracted to it. It could be across the street with unfamiliar people arguing (I’d perk up and listen, hmmm, what’s going on!!) or right in my personal space within my own family. Chaos was normalized as, well, normal, from my very beginnings on earth. My family of origin cemented this, and I carried the torch on into my own life. I married a pothead, and he would hit me. He gambled and I accepted this as a normal way of life. This was 45 years ago. I did leave him but still, that chaos was my constant companion. I tried to fix, control, and manipulate all because I couldn’t accept the things I had no control over. An alcoholic mother, a son with serious mental illness, dysfunctional relationships with sisters, and well, lots of things, could be big ones or little ones. If there was a conversation that didn’t concern me, if I sensed any conflict, I’d try to worm my way in! In recovery from codependency for 4 years now and working the Steps thoroughly with my sponsor I have come to realize, I don’t like chaos! It’s terrible for my health both physically and mentally. The drive to control, fix or manipulate still exists but each time I am aware that this is my illness. I don’t make whatever it is overshadow my Higher Power doing their job! I can’t do anything better than my HP, for me, that is God.
In CoDA I have felt that sense of belonging that was missing in my life and a blueprint in the 12 Steps for how to live my life authentically, in line with my truest self. And by allowing my own self-will to step aside I can rest my spirit, mind and soul knowing I’m in good hands with my HP. It’s a process. I go to meetings, I journal and do my inventories when I need to dig deep, I pray and have weekly check-ins with my sponsor. I forgive myself and keep on keeping on. Thank you for letting me share.