When I consider my approach to prayer to my higher power and to meditation, in what is my first 78 meetings and 78 days of my CoDA journey, I’m grateful that I can now see the waves of resistance and brief moments of surrender that swung wildly at first and now like a pendulum seem to be finding a rhythm that, while still out of balance, has a more regular cadence that I can start to feel on a daily basis.
I’m not there yet by any means. I have days where deeply obsessive and compulsive anxiety rule the day, waking me up at 4am, spinning in unhealthy thoughts for hours until I’m exasperated and in pain from the indignant resistance of my mind to surrendering to truly healthy routines and my higher power’s loving intention.
Why can’t I let go? The irony of life is that letting go is exactly what I both need and fear the most. I know that my higher power loves me and cares for me on a daily basis or the storied path that brought me here wouldn’t have involved so many twists and turns that were always just fortunate coincidences until I started to see they all had a purpose in where I am today.
Today my practice of meditation is a daily breath of oxygen that I rely on. I’m moving into prayer having the same significance but just for today I accept that prayer serves as an outlet for desperation when my still compulsive and obsessive thoughts become overwhelmingly despairing and unmanageable. I’m slowly accepting my powerlessness and finally, finally, finally starting to consider and see surrender as an option that actually involves less emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. For today I will meditate and pray and hopefully put my head on my pillow without traumatizing myself by trying to control outcomes that were never mine to control.
Rob M. 11/7/2022