CoDA Promise 2: “I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.”

My childhood was mostly a very good time for me. My father was a doctor and my mother was a homemaker always there for me. There’s no doubt there was plenty of dysfunction even then, but I was mostly a happy, playful, athletic kid. That all changed in the 7th grade when Dad started to drink more and get violent. That was when the trauma began.

Today, I am still recovering from the effects of that trauma. I’m in CoDA because I recognize that drugs, alcohol, food, and sex cannot provide me a life of dignity.

My main “qualifiers” for belonging in CoDA are first, my daughter’s deep depression from an emotionally abusive romantic rejection, her cutting behaviors (stopped 8 years ago), and suicidal ideation in her teenage years. Second, frustration about maintaining a healthy and loving marriage. And finally, periodic low self-esteem crashes at work.

This share is about a recent “growth experience” with my daughter. About two weeks ago, she came home from a visit with friends but stayed in her car talking and crying for quite a while. She had parked within the complex in a parking stall not exactly close to our condo, and my wife and I were a little afraid for her safety, but more afraid for her mental health. Specifically, she has a boyfriend in New York, a long-distance relationship, which we know is problematic. My trauma reaction tends to be “OMG! They’re going to break up and she’s going to descend into deep depression and become suicidal.” So, what should I do? My old self would tell her to come inside and when she refused, I’d get angry at her and use that anger to get her to do what I wanted so I could feel safe.

This time, I approached her car to find out what was going on. I asked her to come inside but she wanted the privacy of the car to continue hashing it out with her boyfriend. Here is when my “old self” could easily have blown it, but instead, I said okay, checked to make sure her surroundings were safe and went back inside. However, when about 20 minutes went by (which seemed like 5 hours), I “had” to go out again and see if she’d at least come inside or come closer to our house.

I could feel my blood pressure rising and my rage at her for “making” me so afraid. Because of CoDA, I knew I had to be careful. So, I knocked on her window one more time, asked her if she was okay, and told her I loved her. She reassured me that she was okay but needed the time and space to talk it through with her boyfriend. So, I finally surrendered, went back inside again and relaxed a little, asking God for faith in her judgment as an adult, 23-year-old woman. She can take care of herself, God. Help me get that. After about another 30 minutes she came back inside and was okay. I hadn’t blown up and made matters worse even though I was experiencing panic and fear due to my learned hypervigilance. That was a CoDA victory for me!

Jim H.
03.06.2025