I thought I was cured and heading in the right direction in life. I did all the steps and the program fulfilled its promise. I found true serenity. But, I ventured off….. after no meetings for 3 years. When something is so ingrained as being co-dependent you don’t just wake up one day cured after you: finish the steps with a sponsor, read all the literature, get a grip on your life and feel some relief. Not even if I practice the program for a few years and think I’m all better. No. I am not.
One day you meet another very sick co-dependent and since you are 2 years from your last 12 step meeting you forget, you feel yourself slipping back into that totally natural habit of being co-dependent by making your partner your higher power and being their higher power. This feels good for a short time then the emotional train wreck happens and you turn to God. Then you realize that’s where you should be turning all along.
I take my reminder to keep going to meetings, praying, meditating and growing toward God. Yes, I take this harsh lesson in stride and this time I pulled another sick soul toward recovery with me. He was my loving partner for almost a year. We are not together anymore and my heart hurts because I truly loved him. I hope he finds solutions in the program as I am re-affirming mine separately seeking God’s guidance for the next right step.
I will always be perfectly imperfect and I may venture into the weeds. I think God wanted me to learn this lesson and to pull this man toward his path to recovery too. For nothing happens in life without a reason, A God Reason. My heart keeps thinking maybe when we are healthy again we will find that amazing love that we both want. Prayers to my friends, aka family of choice, my partners in recovery in CoDA. Thank you for being there when I needed your open arms to welcome me back to the place that reminds me why I say the serenity prayer every morning and evening.
Now I KNOW why they always say KEEP COMING BACK. Because it’s a program that works if you KEEP working it.
Lori – 2/6/20