This article came to mind while I was getting dressed, following two days of no-shower, no-food, and very little rest, (sounds like an addiction huh)? Anyhow, as painful as this moment of truth is, it is what it is. By the grace of God and Co-Dependence Anonymous, today I do not have to hide my feelings, nor do I have to isolate my thoughts. Today I accept reality and when I am in doubt, I ask the question… “Is this reality, or is this an illusion of my reality? ” Today I do not need validation from anyone, a higher power validates me and each time I am validated it takes humility, smashing of the ego, and complete surrender of my will. And then, that grateful list is drafted. I can then acknowledge that I have been validated. I recognize and acknowledge the gift of life that is taken shape before my eyes as I read what I rapidly listed without thought, things I can be grateful for.
I recall 9 months ago my most painful hours. Begging the question and pleading for an answer. Obsessively journaling, “What did I do?” Begging and pleading with God to make the pain go away. You know that unable to pinpoint indescribable fetal position pain that takes ones breath away? Yea, that pain! That pain jabbed and stabbed my heart at the thought of going to sleep. It jabbed and stabbed my heart every Monday, knowing that the weekend was near. It jabbed and stabbed my heart any time I was in public, fearful of what you may think of me knowing that some other woman now sits beside my ex at meetings and other sociable functions. It jabbed and stabbed my heart when many of you shared your enthusiasm of the new vehicle and how well her life appeared, (many of you shared innocently and with good intentions, some of you shared with an agenda).
Each of you knowingly, but few of you heard the weakness of my voice, the desperation in my cry, the obsession of my conversation, that my desire to live was fading fast. The only person that could stop my tears that fell profusely and continuously was the person that I believed had caused my tears to fall. Whew! That’s true kick in the ass reality. Few of you (and the few know who you are) reached out and said words that were helpful but painful. Some of you were on the phone late in the evening as well as early in the morning, and God knows I appreciate you. Some of you took me to eat, some offered coffee and hugs, and one of you took me dancing, card playing and was available to do whatever was necessary and morally acceptable, just to get me to smile. One of you shared an intimate moment with me at my request to relieve my pain of loneliness, my thoughts of rejection, and the intense craving that my soul was experiencing due to the absences for whom I had ordained my soul mate. And there was and remains that special friend that could never be duplicated. The one that sat at the foot of my bed insisting on some sort of crisis intervention, making phone calls, driving me around and escorting me into a facility to get help.
Consequently, I am so grateful for the love and the passion that my now estranged partner and I expressed to one another during our three-year relationship. I would not change a month, a week, a day, an hour, or a second, of my experience. As mentioned, some of you witnessed my pain, but none of you can imagine my passion. From her first touch to her last touch my entire body would break out in goose bumps. Funny, I recall always saying, “look you give me chills.” Today I am grateful for memories that I believe are another gift from God. Today, I can choose to remember, or choose not to remember. I must admit it is easier not to remember the bad times and as a result, I have occasionally relapsed better yet, “ brain fucked” myself (lack of a better description). As insane and backwards as that sounds, it is passionately true.
The energy that flowed between the two of us made others comfortable. Regardless of their sexual orientation, a familiar face, or complete stranger we were always approached and heard comments such as, “you two look like you belong together”, “I want what you two have”, “you guys are so cute together,” etc, etc, etc. Anyhow, looks can be and will be deceiving if you are an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Ask me how I know? From early childhood I was taught by observation and preparation how to look good. Unfortunately, we are both adult children of alcoholics; therefore, regardless of whom we are with we will always look good. Today, I look good from the inside therefore, it radiates on the outside.
Anyway, back to my passion. This relationship was my first introduction to a lesbian relationship. And I could not have had a better intro than to fall deeply, passionately, and very co-dependently for someone that was emotionally unavailable, therefore incapable of loving me unconditionally. Certainly my co-dependent personality, alcoholic characteristics and grandiosity had me to believe that I had finally met the partner that I would die with. While making love I would visualize my soul being one with hers. There were nights we would lye in bed emotionally distant from one another. I would visualize the room being so large the bed stretched, and it seemed as if she was physically very far away. This was always scary because I knew and continued to deny what was true; our souls were no longer connected. Nevertheless, her touch would send chills all over my body. When I describe her touch I mean an innocent hug, or the touch of my hand. She would simply walk across the room and I would say, “she so cute”, with a smile on my face from ear to ear. I would applaud her when she stood and introduced herself while being of services.
Women often joked with me regarding attending other fellowship meetings, but never once did anyone ask me if I were attending because my partner wanted me too? No, they assumed by observation that I did not have a life. Truthfully, I didn’t, nor was I encouraged or given the freedom to establish friendships with others. Everyone we knew was in fellowship. So my life was my partner’s life. I bended, and twisted in whatever shape that was requested of me. I believed if I were to eliminate people she requested from my life, cooked, cleaned, dressed more femininely, and pretended to be less sexually assertive, then she would be happy with me.
Today, I have a self-awareness that is unshakable. Today, I can choose to tie my sweater around my waist, wear a baseball cap, put my hands in my pocket, eat pussy without shame and still carry myself as the lady that I am. Today, I can strap it on, toss it up, or simply lie there, and let it be done to me the way my partner likes, and never once remain silent in fear of my partner’s thoughts of me being too masculine. Today I have the awareness that each lesbian has a masculine side, and to embrace that part of you is just as important as flaunting that feminine side. I love the fact that I can walk into a room and turn the heads of men, and yet know that I will go to home to a woman. The freedom I have today, comes from reading CoDA approve and non-approved literature and working the first 3 steps, I anticipate more will be revealed as I work slowly and patiently with my sponsor the remaining 9 steps with complete and total honesty. Fellowshipping when I least want to, using the phone to call other members just to say, “hi, how’s your day?” and most importantly, being of service. Today, I know it is all about me. Which means, if I only concentrate on what I am doing in relationship to what you are doing I am not insane. Today, I don’t have to change because my partner wants me to, I change because I want healthy loving relationships in my life. This is what I project, so of course, this is what I will get.
I give thanks to those who were and continue to be instrumental in my daily recovery of co-dependency.
As for our relationship, it remains estranged there are dual restraining orders, and false police reports of stalking, and other false accusations. A potential successful business that remains idled, not to mentioned the emotional deception that will remain fixated in my long-term memory, and a friendship that I believe will never be recovered. Considering the energy, the passion and lack of knowledge of the disease co-dependency that I’ve described, it would have been unlikely that the relationship would have ended peacefully with little or no drama.
I share my experience, strength, and hope for couples that are joined at the hip. Relationships are not meant to restrict, smother, care take, nor act as constant oversees of each other. Nor are they meant for either partner to correct or change each other’s character defects. Love is not meant to be painful or abusive in any way. Until one has the freedom of forgiveness of self or another, self-love, and complete honesty of who you are in relations to your relationship, you cannot experience the gift or the ability to love unconditionally. Love does not require change, or isolation from friends nor the alteration of the life you’ve established prior to your partner. Love means accepting one another for whom each of you are, loving and embracing each other for your individualism as well as your unity. Always put God first, and never deny what you know. Know one can give another security, or confidence those are key elements that each of you must possess. Once trust is broken it’s broken, in this case seek outside professional help, providing you both agree honestly that the relationship is salvageable. A professional trained counselors can provide tools that will be needed and prove to be helpful while working through some issues. With true dedication, commitment, complete honesty, and a mutual understanding that the two of you will nurture, and know your relationship is sacred, you will eventually recognize the core of the problems. In addition, I strongly recommend and suggest CoDA for other 12 step members, regardless of your existing fellowship. I believe co-dependency is the core of self-discovery, which leads to relationship recovery. These are just a few questions that are published in CoDA approved literature.
How do you know if you are co-dependent?
How many healthy relationships exist in you life today?
Such as, Co-worker, family members, friends, children ex-lovers, spouses and pets. (No matter what the dynamitic are take an honest look at your relationships).
Do you control aggressively or passively to manipulate others?
Do you accept sex when you want love?
In closing “The water that falls from our eyes to our feet is simply water, for our roots while we continue to grow.”
Sabrina W. (2001)
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