Co-NNections Recovery Stories

Jenica’s Story 10-20-15

Jenica’s Story

I was approaching my birthday and decided to write down some goals I hoped to see manifest by my 30th year. I put them in a drawer and forgot about them. At this point in time I was laden with stress and worry and accepted it as normalcy. My life consisted of trying to carry heavy loads without the realization that they were never mine to carry. I thought I was the savior of my world, and that of everyone else around me, left to carry everything and make it go round all by myself. It was my life after all, wasn’t it? I didn’t realize you could overdo responsible. 
If you visualize the statue of Atlas this will give you a picture of what I felt like on a daily basis. It was far more than I could handle. My body gave in. I developed a severe auto immune reaction to my self-inflicted stress. I was completely covered head to toe in guttate psoriasis, a spotted rash that throbbed, stung and looked horrendous. For three months I could hardly get out of bed. I averaged two hours of sleep a night, and that’s after taking all the medications that were supposed to help with the itching, pain and lack of sleep. What a hopeless case I appeared to be. But hopelessness was the furthest thing from my heart and mind. 
For the first time in my life I was filled with hope. I was given a chance to experience firsthand the truth of my inherent, unearned, unalterable worth and beauty. I was of the same worth when I could carry nothing and have my hands at rest as when I was living like I was the savior of my world with my hand in everything. Previously I was spinning my wheels thinking I was making my world go round, trying to save everyone around me along with myself and trying to prove myself eligible of the little worth I thought I had. Now I was doing nothing and my world was going round better than before, my worth feeling greater than ever since it was finally being acknowledged and felt. 
What confused me the most was how profoundly beautiful and important I felt. I was covered head to toe in a nasty rash yet I felt gorgeous and needed. I later rediscovered those intentions I wrote down for my 30th birthday and was in a state of shock when I realized they had each been made manifest in my life without my conscious effort. This experience forever changed my perception of worth and beauty. During this whole experience I took countless notes and plenty of pictures to document my experience because at a soul level I knew I was sitting on a gold mine of truth that was setting me free in ways I didn’t yet understand. Over the past year and a half I have processed these insights and translated them so that others can share and delight in these universal truths. 
Prior to this awakening I knew I had codependency struggles but didn’t know what to do or how to stop trying to care for and control everything. The twelve steps were my ticket out but I was so over vigilant about applying them that they too felt like a burden. I went to a couple of addiction recovery meetings and felt so good being around others who were struggling and reaching out for assistance. 
It wasn’t until the disease surfaced that I finally got it, I could live life without being over responsible for everyone around me because I saw firsthand how things still got done even when I was the one being cared for and not doing all the care taking. I was introduced to the fact that a Higher Power was really there, everywhere, taking care of everything including me and my family. Everyone has a Higher Power and it wasn’t me! 
There is no describing the indescribable relief I felt. I welcomed the severe rash to stay if it could serve as a reminder of this powerful truth. It did go away but the truth remained. I love to share my story of recovery any chance I get. Reliving it each chance I get is how my recovery remains in place.
-Jenica C. 4/28/15

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