Co-NNections Recovery Stories
Facing My Fears
Today’s reading is from the Co-NNections Recovery Stories archives. We are always looking for new submissions. You can contribute to the Fellowship and your own recovery by sharing a part of your CoDA journey through Weekly Reading. Click Here to find out more!
Facing My Fears
It all started growing up with an alcoholic mother and a father who left when I was 12 years old for another woman. I was left taking care of a mom who was emotionally abusive and I basically raised myself. The pain of abandonment was unbearable other times I just tried to survive. Eventually the alcohol took my mother’s life. I was 28 years old. It was just another abandonment in my life. I felt that I could just not take any more pain.
Fast forward to my adult life. I entered into a physically abusive relationship and then eventually ended up marrying an emotionally unavailable man who ended up leaving me for another woman after 20 years. It was this abandonment that finally led me to realize I was a codependent and to CoDA. I needed help so my daughter would not end up like me.
Recovery is a lifetime process and I am committed to healing myself. I am now 50 years old and thank God and my higher power for the strength to face my fears and begin my life again. I am strong, I am capable of being loved and I will eventually find inner peace
Stacey B.
2020
Surrender
Today’s reading is from the Co-NNections Recovery Stories archives. We are always looking for new submissions. You can contribute to the Fellowship and your own recovery by sharing a part of your CoDA journey through Weekly Reading. Click Here to find out more!
Surrender
Surrender is a word I never liked! For me it conjured images of a leader in an ancient battle handing his sword to his foe or a boxing match where they throw in the towel. The word surrender felt like defeat. Yet in Step One I was asked to admit powerlessness. In Steps Two and Three I was asked to surrender to a Higher Power. I listened to the experience, strength and hope of fellow members but I couldn’t shake how the word made me feel. So, I started pondering what was behind my feelings. After much reflection and journaling and talking with my sponsor, who by the way never told me what to do or feel, I realized that I didn’t have trust. I didn’t trust God. I didn’t trust myself.
I wondered, “What would it be like to have that kind of trust relationship?” I wrote lists about unconditional love and what that would be like. One quiet day sitting in the backyard listening to the birds, it occurred to me that I had surrendered to the program. The members of the fellowship had proved they were trustworthy. They loved me no matter what I shared in a meeting. I never had this kind of love and acceptance modeled for me in my life.
I realized I had suspended my cynicism and doubt when I listened to their stories. I recognized that when I was in the meeting room, I had surrendered the armor of my defense behaviors so that I was open minded and open hearted. It was trust that let Listen and Learn, which is now a slogan that I use often. It was a surprise to me that I had slowly surrendered my fears and trusted the group and the program. Years later I realized that in my early recovery the program was my Higher Power. That’s where I placed my trust.
Experiencing unconditional love in meetings, I considered the possibility that my Higher Power could love me like that. In my imagination, I saw God looking at me with loving eyes, of holding me in loving arms and delighting in me exactly as I was without me needing to do or change anything about myself to receive that love. I could almost hear God asking me, “Will you let me love you?” God was working for my good through my trust in the program so I could experience unconditional love and then come to believe in a Higher Power of love. As I took time to have inner quiet, reflecting, journaling, seeing my sponsor every two weeks and attending meetings my Higher Power took my hand and led me to the peace and serenity I desired for so long. I had a spiritual awakening. I learned Love. To this I can joyfully surrender. Unconditional Love. God loves me. I love me. Now I can trust both of us.
Sherry A.
06/06/2017
Working a Daily Program
Today’s reading is from the Co-NNections Recovery Stories archives. We are always looking for new submissions. You can contribute to the Fellowship and your own recovery by sharing a part of your CoDA journey through Weekly Reading. Click Here to find out more!
Working a Daily Program
As I was journaling with my Higher Power recently, I learned something about myself. I was writing about my marriage relationship and observing my partner’s codependent behaviors which are usually different than mine. Keeping my boundaries in place, I did my best to be honest and objective in my observations. As I did, it was as if my HP turned on a light switch in my mind. All of a sudden it was clear that when my partner acted like a victim, consequently, so did I. The clarity was abrupt and impactful. I realized that my partner’s avoidance patterns consistently launched me into an unmanageable frenzy of rejection, panic, insecurity, and fear. With this insight, which seems obvious in retrospect, by trusting my HP and the program, I did not cozy up to self-pity, exchange with shame, or dive into indulgence (my life-long survival companions).
As I have gained experience by working the Steps and using the tools, I was able to take this awareness, share about it at a meeting, and let unmanipulated recovery come in HP’s timing, not mine. Above all, this occurrence reminded me how important it is to work my program daily. As I turn my will and life over to the care of my HP, I never know when a freeing lesson or nurturing experience is in store.
Lindsay F.
08/25/2021
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