In celebration and honor of November the gratitude month for 12 Step Programs.
Before CoDA my life was lived in chaos, reactively bouncing from one disaster to another in surprising speed with shocking results. I was out of control. I came by my addictive personality honestly and set out to put my inheritance to its full use. One day returning from work my late wife suggested I might benefit from CoDA. This was a suggestion she said she received about me from an AA hot line. Being the good codependent I am I immediately found coda.org, read the web site located a nearby Saturday meeting and felt hope. Which is kind of surprising in hind sight since I was not aware at the time of feeling hopeless. My first face to face meeting was a positive experience as helpful as reading the CoDA Foundation documents on coda.org had been. I still attend that meeting. In time, I found a sponsor and began working the 12 Steps. I overcame a fury against God, my parents and myself.
In time after many years of resistance I decided to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understood God. My 4th Step was dark, deep and painful. Then my defects began to be taken away. I recall the relief and joy when anger was suddenly removed. My joy was short lived because I discovered fear and shame were hiding behind anger. I never experienced the sudden removal of a character defect again. A little over two years ago I joined a Step Study Group to work on helping the God of my understanding to take my fear. About six months in I discovered to my surprise my fear was gone. When it was taken, I do not know. Since its removal was not noticed I had continued to use the language of fear only to discover I was left with normal worries.
The last decade of my life has been the best decade. I feel free, serene and at peace. This is a state I do not take for granted. My recovery feels fragile and requires constant vigil, acceptance and self-love with the grace of my loving God. I accept the pain I caused others and myself before my long hard fall and I understand without my long hard fall I would not have today’s recovery. I love the freedom and peace of recovery and will continue to work my program in gratitude.
Don B – 11/3/16