My Current Thoughts & Process With The Issue & Concept of “Love Addiction”
I want to be very clear that though I have many years in CoDA (24) the following is very much my own personal opinion & nothing more (other than perhaps the final 2 paragraphs).
Over the last 5 years or so, due to my personal evolution & a difficult experience with a 12 step group that focuses on Love Addiction I have changed my personal opinions.
First a caveat: If there’s current abuse, active alcoholism or active drug addiction on your partner’s part; my opinion is… Leave. Yesterday.
That said, again my opinions have significantly evolved. I have come to a place where I feel that if the "Love Addiction" is MUTUAL & the strength of the desire to be together is MUTUAL; I currently feel that as long as no under age children are being physically or emotionally neglected as a result, there is nothing wrong with MUTUALLY devoting much of my emotional energy with one significant other.
The 3 keys here (again IN MY OPINION) are MUTUAL, that no child is being neglected, & that I’m taking care of myself (& allowing my partner to do the same).
I used to think that any & all "Love Addiction" was a negative thing. While I do still think some of my comfort & a significant amount of my self-worth needs to come from friends, HP, my cats, program, & myself; I no longer feel that those should be the only way. As I am getting older, I am very aware that deep intimacy with a lifetime partner is my #1 priority at this time; & at my age, the window for that to happen is getting much smaller. I am talking theory; I don’t hit on every woman I see (NOT EVEN CLOSE!; one of my unresolved issues is a fear of offending a woman I’m attracted to by reaching out. DOH!) I made the mistake after my mid 1990’s love addiction work (which was focused on becoming comfortable with being alone) of not having a significant other for 17 years (after having gone from relationship to relationship over & over again). 180 degrees from dysfunctional is still dysfunctional…
Back to program, it was (rightfully so, in my opinion) suggested to me by my first sponsor that in my first year do not start a new romantic relationship under any circumstances (did I listen? NO.. Did it hurt…YES!); & it was also suggested to me that in the first year not to end any long term romantic relationship UNLESS IT WAS ABUSIVE.
And finally, remember the word "romantic" does NOT appear anywhere in Tradition 3!
Over the last 5 years or so, due to my personal evolution & a difficult experience with a 12 step group that focuses on Love Addiction I have changed my personal opinions.
First a caveat: If there’s current abuse, active alcoholism or active drug addiction on your partner’s part; my opinion is… Leave. Yesterday.
That said, again my opinions have significantly evolved. I have come to a place where I feel that if the "Love Addiction" is MUTUAL & the strength of the desire to be together is MUTUAL; I currently feel that as long as no under age children are being physically or emotionally neglected as a result, there is nothing wrong with MUTUALLY devoting much of my emotional energy with one significant other.
The 3 keys here (again IN MY OPINION) are MUTUAL, that no child is being neglected, & that I’m taking care of myself (& allowing my partner to do the same).
I used to think that any & all "Love Addiction" was a negative thing. While I do still think some of my comfort & a significant amount of my self-worth needs to come from friends, HP, my cats, program, & myself; I no longer feel that those should be the only way. As I am getting older, I am very aware that deep intimacy with a lifetime partner is my #1 priority at this time; & at my age, the window for that to happen is getting much smaller. I am talking theory; I don’t hit on every woman I see (NOT EVEN CLOSE!; one of my unresolved issues is a fear of offending a woman I’m attracted to by reaching out. DOH!) I made the mistake after my mid 1990’s love addiction work (which was focused on becoming comfortable with being alone) of not having a significant other for 17 years (after having gone from relationship to relationship over & over again). 180 degrees from dysfunctional is still dysfunctional…
Back to program, it was (rightfully so, in my opinion) suggested to me by my first sponsor that in my first year do not start a new romantic relationship under any circumstances (did I listen? NO.. Did it hurt…YES!); & it was also suggested to me that in the first year not to end any long term romantic relationship UNLESS IT WAS ABUSIVE.
And finally, remember the word "romantic" does NOT appear anywhere in Tradition 3!
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