My name is Don B. I am co-dependent
Here is my 4th Step Prayer I wrote after finishing my first journey through that step in CoDA: God if it be thy will please remove from me the fictional belief that my existence is wrong. Please remove from me the fictional belief that my being is shameful. Please remove from me the fear that these fictional beliefs are true, and will be discovered. I take full responsibility for these Defects of Character, and humbly ask that these Short Comings be removed, so I may be of use to you, and others.
As a child I was abused physically, sexually, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. For six and a half decades I did not know I had negative core beliefs nor that they were fictional. Knowing my story is a small child’s attempt to cope with a scary world was revelatory for me. Continuing to believe this story my child’s mind created as an adult never occurred to me. All my efforts went in to avoiding my feelings. All my addictions served this delusional denial. I did not seek recovery, I just wanted to be like those recovered folks I met. After attending my home face to face meeting for six months I saw change in others and felt change in me. This was both exciting and frightening. I was a frozen hard atheist. I was comfortable in my arrogance. Yet, I knew this spiritual program was beginning to work for me. I worked the 12 Steps, all be it slowly. It took me three painful years to accept Step 3. Eventually I made conscious contact with the God of my not understanding. My God removed my anger in a rush. Which led to the uncomfortable truth that I was fearful. Fear and shame dissolved slower with the help of the God of my not understanding and the CoDA recovery tools.
I believe my recovery is a fragile reprieve and only exists if I continue daily maintenance of my co-dependence. Fortunately CoDA is loaded with recovery tools I can use any where at any time.
Don B – 3/26/16