I am a very productive feelings factory. I always have been and probably always will be. Before recovery, I was also in the business of delivering these feelings, and I was very bad at it. I would churn out all sorts of feelings, which I would then promptly and compulsively dispatch to the wrong recipient, or dump all over the place in inappropriate locations. Sometimes I was so overloaded with the feelings I had manufactured that they would spill off the truck and be left lying in broken piles by the roadside. Often these packages were mislabeled: shame would be labelled as anger, anger as sadness, etc, and they came frequently wrapped in blame. When the overload was extreme, the factory would go on strike and I would be simply numb.
After four years in CoDA and working the steps with my sponsor, I am no longer in the business of delivering my feelings to anyone but my Higher Power. I am still a top-notch feelings factory, but now I am much better at labeling those feelings correctly and I only use one delivery address: Higher Power. I take care of my feelings by handing them over to God first and asking for direction.
I am so grateful for CoDA.