Co-NNections Recovery Stories

Into Action 10-24-17

Into Action!
I have been aware of my codependency for some years now, but I had not addressed it honestly, after all, wasn’t being an alcoholic enough without the burden of another disease! I thought it would disappear as long as I stayed in AA …. until I found myself separated and lonely with no emotional crutch.
Gradually over the next 5 painful years I saw that my whole existence required another person place or thing to make me feel whole. I felt like a drunk weaving from lamppost to lamppost wondering why I couldn’t find my way home. John, my ex husband of 25 years, was no longer in my life, something I could never have imagined, but looking back I see how I was completely focused on him. Even when we separated and lived apart… I moved out but I might as well have been living in his kitchen! When I couldn’t engage with him I went shopping and came home feeling disgusted and sad. I escaped into movies on my iPad, safe in my bed eating chocolate….worked longer hours than necessary, got involved in other people’s problems, anything rather than face my codependency….and being alone. I felt I’d failed the marriage and I took the rap for a lot of the angst, beating myself up and begging John to take me back, that I’d changed and all would be well. I did not love myself. I believed I’d never be happy again and was resolved to a Demi-life as an ex wife living down the road from my ex. It never occurred to me that I might just be in a toxic relationship that was never going to work, and was in fact holding my recovery back.
Gradually through coda and AA I have learnt that I am actually perfectly ok just as I am. Warts and all! I live in a different country now, I am free of any thoughts of my ex, I focus on my day and I am content for the first time in a long long while. I realise I have done a geographical in removing myself from my past life, but I also know I had to get away from the toxic environment that was around me, I had to get into action! I had to move house, country and life to start functioning on my own beliefs and take responsibility for the first time ever in my 57 years on this wonderful planet! The freedom and peace I enjoy now is what I believe everyone is entitled to from life. I never realised just how dependent and cowed I had become over the years living with codependency as I did. Today I question why I do something….am I people pleasing, am I doing it to win favour, to get my own back on someone?! What are the motives behind what I say and do?
Today I am free. All is well. Today I choose to stand by my own decisions. I’m not afraid of anyone’s opinion of me. I can order whatever I want from a menu without having to refer to whoever I’m with…. I’m no longer concerned what people are talking about in the next room. Today I choose to be guided by My Higher Power who is with me 24/7. It’s taken me a while to understand how my codependency has dictated my actions and decisions, but today, thanks to Coda and AA I am able to take action and remove myself from unhealthy people places and things!
Sarah L

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