Co-NNections Recovery Stories

Making Amends to Myself

In CoDA meetings I found that some people triggered a strong reaction of anxiety and fear and I
could not understand why.

After one meeting, I thought about it and realised that there were people in my past that I needed
to make peace with, and that meant making peace with myself.

I wrote a letter, and found that I could explain how I needed to forgive myself for my extreme
codependency and for giving over so much of myself, because I was afraid to trust my own
judgement and not brave enough to be an emotional adult. The damage in that relationship
seemed like yesterday; I could live it in technicolour and it was more than a decade ago.
The person wrote back a letter of complete acceptance, and explained the depth of loss of
relationship – for them. (They had been very seriously ill.) I was glad that I had written. I
realised how desperately I needed to make peace with myself and my emotional, out-of-control
child, and I was so grateful to the CoDA process.

Making amends begins with making amends to myself.
Determining never again to let the emotional, judging, angry, rejected child of my unforgiving
heart rule me. I can give myself permission to be mature, to reflect as an emotional adult, and to
see myself with the adult eyes that CoDA has given me.

I can love myself and forgive in all my parts and stages, and I can love another and forgive him
or her for the disastrous results wreaked historically by my wounded spirit on us both.
The people who triggered me were just a reflection of my house of cards that went back
generationally to grandparents, aunts, uncles, family of origin, and it will collapse
one card after another as I have understanding of the rage of my grieving child, and let it go.
Making peace with myself and you is growing up now – when I could not before.
Leaving behind the dread and the wreckage of a child's mind and spirit.
Forgiving the child.

Maria S

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