I walked into the rooms feeling tired of being tired. Thinking I have spent all I could to have a good life and it’s just not so.
I was aware the man I was dating for eight years, on and off, was a drug to me and was killing me more than giving me any high. I wanted out but had no idea how or if I had the energy to do it. I tried before, only to return to the poison he gave me. I lived off being the victim. I can look back now knowing I enjoyed sharing my sorry life with others because it gave me validation. I lived off the “I’m so sorry you’re going through this” statements or any pity I could get. I had no idea how addicted I was to that. I was desperate to be loved, I was willing to get it anywhere I could, in any way I could.
CoDA gave me the strength to look at myself. I blamed the world and others, but never saw my part in it. Never saw how I loved what I claimed I hated so badly. No wonder it took me years to finally leave a toxic relationship. I loved misery and really had no clue how to live without it. Healthy relationships were foreign to me and CoDA helped me understand what healthy was. That it started within me. That I needed to love me wholeheartedly and with so much love and compassion. It needed to start with me.
I no longer need validation in any form. I might get it but I’m not searching for it nor desiring it. I have healthy boundaries and define healthy within myself and my relationships with others. I had to learn what healthy is and it had to start with looking within myself.