I have recently realized that my tardiness has to do with social anorexia, controlling patterns, selfishness, slothfulness, false pride, perfectionism and fear.
It surprised me to see all those factors contributing to me being unable to arrive early to meetings. I recently decided to start an experiment where I leave early for meetings. I wanted to be useful and of service to participating fellow travelers. When I was leaving earlier than normal to make it to a meeting yesterday, I clearly felt fear arise in me.
It was a type of social fear, something like social anorexia, longing for being alone and in isolation. Thoughts such as “What I would be doing there early?”, “Wouldn’t that be awkward to arrive early and mingle with others?” “What will I say? What will I do?”
I was very surprised to observe my fearful concerns and mental chatter because I always considered myself to be socially skilled, outgoing and friendly. However, when it comes to arriving places early, I clearly experience social anorexia, fear of awkwardness, a longing for isolation, and a fear of wasting time with others when I could be doing chores instead. I was in denial of my social fear until now. Thanks to my fellow travelers’ comments in meetings I looked closer at my tardiness, and I am glad I did because now that I’m aware, I can change it.
I can stop being a sloth in the sense of delaying my departure for meetings. I can stop setting high expectations for getting my chores done before my departure and instead just let them be. I can stop being critical of myself for arriving late. In summary, it appears that my tardiness is a complex issue. The solution is to be useful and serve others by arriving early to meetings. I am determined to give up my tardiness and start serving others by showing up early as an esteemable act. I am determined to spend more time in fellowship relieving my social fears and coming out of my social anorexia.
Bo S – 7/6