I think that abused people are the greatest actors of all. They have to be. They spend their whole lives trying to hide the pain, shame, and brokenness behind humor and a smile so people don’t know how defective they are. I am one of those people.

I made jokes, did whatever it took to weave a web of kindness around others to distract them from the mistake that was me. Always on the verge of tears, teeth clenched into a forced smile as I performed my way into a dramatic ICU scene two years ago. However, this was no performance or dream. It was real and I was dying.

Some people pick themselves up when they fall but I broke down like an old jalopy . I could try to prevent the inevitable but everything breaks down after a while, even the spirit.

I would get very drained after being in a large crowd and had bad social anxiety. I wasn’t allowed to go (out) or do much when I was growing up, and forced isolation and chores, as well as many restrictions sitting by myself in my bedroom, only allowed out for school, meals and housework.

Nowadays, I still need a couple (of) days to recharge after being around people. I need that time or I become very unbalanced. I am learning from my CoDA program how to be more honest, open and vulnerable in my relationships so I can swim with the tides and not against them.

It’s not easy for me and I do need to take interval breaks to calm and recharge my spirit, and that’s okay, just as long as I keep getting back out there and showing up where it counts. Thank you for reading my story.

In Peace, Love, and understanding,

Pamela W. – February 26th, 2020