Sitting by the window in the back seat of the car as my dad drove home from our friend’s house in Germany was always a healing time for me. The German countryside was so beautiful and lush. Home was a place of constant fear for me, but when I was in the back seat of the car I could be anything I wanted to be. My spirit lived in the dense forests that rolled past my backseat window. I would jump from the car out of my heavy physical body and dance among the trees. I was free and happy and the animals and birds were with me, also playing about. This was something I always did during car rides. It left me feeling joyous and free.
As I grew and we moved to Texas and then to Louisiana only 2 short years later, I would say I wanted to be a dancer. I wanted to be a writer and write stories and novels. I wanted to write song lyrics, which I did so many of. I wanted to meet a man who is kind, spiritual and also a writer. But after 30 years of abuse on every level imaginable, I just figured I was too broken for any of it to come true. Any dream I had got kicked or punched or verbally downgraded to the point of me doing the only thing I was expected to do and that was to be subservient to everyone around me.
In the culture I came from you are entitled to one marriage. Being a female I was taught to be subservient and do whatever my husband wanted, and that marriage is for life.
However, I have learned from my CoDA program that I stayed way longer than I should have in these dream-detrimental relationships until I felt lower than a snake’s belly. I had given up on everything when my current husband came along. I didn’t like him at first but I slowly learned what a spiritually kind person he was. He was also a writer and we became great friends and later married.
I remember thinking that my dream finally came true and nothing else was important. His writing was so good that I shrunk down to the size of a pea and my writing dream left me. The dream walked away holding hands with my confidence. I figured since I wasn’t good enough that I would just support his efforts and help him get recognized for his writing. I never wrote again, except for a few natural health articles. But I had dreams of writing children’s books, songs, poetry, stories and one day a novel. I turned my back on my dreams. I was like a toadstool under this huge oak tree feeding its roots with my slimy codependency. Since I surrendered to my higher power and have been working on my CoDA program, I have noticed that one by one, I am revisiting my childhood dreams.
One by one, light is shining upon my dreams as I revisit the rubble to see if there is anything there worth salvaging. Of course at the age of 55, living with cirrhosis, maybe the dream of becoming a dancer is not realistic. The Serenity Prayer tells us, ‘The Wisdom To Know The Difference’. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t dance myself into using the gifts that my Higher Power has blessed me with. It doesn’t mean that I can’t embrace being Happy, Joyous, and Free by not hiding my light away in the dark.
Thank you for reading my story. Have a Blessed Day.
In Peace, Love and Understanding,
Pamela W. Feb. 26th 2020