Hi, my name is Darren and am a codependent. This is the first time I have submitted anything like this but felt it in my heart to do so.
I am a treble winner. I first came into 12 Step programs in 2009. I left around 2014. During this time a friend mentioned CoDA. My ‘stinking thinking’ took over. “I am in two fellowships and am not doing another.” Today I am so grateful I am a treble winner and would like to share my journey as a newcomer in the early days of the CoDA program.
My sponsor suggested CoDA after I did Step Six in my other programs. He had never done CoDA before but had heard of the program. He knew my deepest fears of abandonment, loneliness, and a neediness to be loved. He suggested CoDA.
This time around I listened. My heart was open to trying out this fellowship, so I went to my first meeting online. After my first meeting, never mind six, I knew I was home. I was where I needed to be.
These two and a half months have been tough. I have worked hard. The emotions have been new and very raw. At one point I believed I had opened the floodgates and they would never stop. However, I have also had some beautiful experiences in healing that words cannot describe; they cannot do justice.
Today, even though early on, I can look in the mirror and say “I love myself.” The niggle is virtually gone and sometimes not there at all. I have moments of serenity and peace that are becoming more frequent. I have silly times, giggles, and laughter. I even find myself saying “I love my life” which is a miracle in itself.
I have had to deal with life on life’s terms these last two and a half months which has been really difficult and hard to deal with. Today I do not wish to turn to my choice of addictions to numb the pain. Today I do not go into the spirals of not being able to cope, remorse, or self-pity. Today I choose the CoDA program, my higher power, and fellow travelers. Today I try to deal with the pain, acknowledge and feel the pain, and then hand it over to my higher power. Today I have a desire to choose, one day at a time, my programs rather than addictions. I look forward, yes, look forward to continuing to grow in the CoDA program. Today, with hand on heart, I know CoDA has broken the cycle and saved my life.
Darren, Codependent – 8/15/21