In my worst of times, after naming the issue codependency, for relief I used to wait on the edge of my seat for Tuesday’s CoDA readings. I used to cry a lot and wished that everyone understood my pain. Sometimes I pictured myself drawing and spelling my pain out to all my loved ones, in the forms of tantrums and self-sabotaging disasters.
Now it’s been two years since I joined and I would like to claim I feel healed in many places, but perhaps not ever yet fully. I catch myself all the time, wondering if I should feel responsible for other people’s emotions, or flat out just searching for something to worry about.
I find myself telling myself often, “remember that’s the codependency”, and then do everything in my power to shift the behavior or thoughts into “the now”. And I often find “the now” typically has nothing to do with where my mind habitually craves diving into.
Missing my father, taking care of my mother, allowing abuse from my ex.
Sometimes I stop to remember that my mother learned codependency and she didn’t mean to pass it down, and this helps me because it’s all about “the now” and “the now” doesn’t so much follow the path your mind dives into.
“The now” keeps moving, waiting for you to get on board. And when you do get on board, even for moments at a time, you take control of the only thing you have in this precious world, the magic of now.
Monica M. – 12/29/20