I am a grateful, slowly recovering Codependent.

I first thought that I had a cat and a dog as pets. However, recently I have discovered a whole other type of a pet which is very different and very destructive one called my lizard brain.

I have been learning from my CoDA meetings, sharing, listening to others, as well as through seeing therapists and self-motivated reading on my own that most of my decisions are based upon fear.

Fear of rejection, ridicule, the unknown, discomfort, memories of past traumas, you name it.

I discovered the other day that I need to stop and pause before reacting from my fight or flight lizard brain thinking, which is in charge of primitive survival instincts.

When I lived on the streets my lizard brain thinking served me well.

I was able to sense and predict dangers and escape most of them.

The problem in my life now is that I am struggling to try new things that this fear has kept me from doing most of my life.

This type of destructive and habitual thinking is preventing me from growing and I self-sabotage without even realizing what I am doing.

I have felt that everything is a trick and all people wish to take advantage of me or use me. I also was raised where neither parent said what they meant straight out. Everything was a riddle and the answer was somewhere in between for me to figure out.

This makes answering emails and texts very trying for me. I react to words with my lizard brain and the email and texts become attack or I suspect trickery or ulterior motives.

CoDA is teaching me to practice the pause and to check myself before I wreck myself. I ask another person to read it and often I am way off-base in my reaction. So, with a codependent like myself, my first thought is not always best and it’s helpful to my growth and relationships if I pause and ask someone to read it before I react destructively from my lizard brain. Once again blowing any chance I have of successful recovery.

Thank you for reading my story.

May Peace Be Your Journey (my late brother’s phrase) ,

Pamela W. – 10/13/2020