I came into the rooms of CoDA 5 1/2 years ago. My life was truly unmanageable and crazy due to the relationship with my mother. It had become so extreme I had to medicate myself just to go visit her and offer the help that she needed.
The first time I heard the Patterns and Characteristics I knew I was home. I was finally in a room with people willing to talk about their painful experiences and offer hope.
I jumped in with both feet. I faithfully attended three meetings every week. Eventually I found a sponsor and began working the Steps. With help from my Higher Power and doing the work, I came to a place of forgiveness for my abusive mother. I saw that I had a part in this dysfunctional relationship.
My past is in the past. I cannot change it. Instead, I learned to accept it — accept myself just as I am. Recognize how I became the person I am due to the culmination of all those experiences — the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Two days ago I received “the” call. Mother had passed away. I immediately went to see her. Speaking up for myself I asked the nurse for a few minutes alone. My parting words to my mom: “We’ve had a rough go of it over the years, but we’ve also had some laughs and a few good times. I choose to remember the good times.” I kissed her goodbye and quietly left.
I feel peace and serenity in this wake of emotions. I was the best daughter I knew how to be. Showing up for her. Taking care of her needs. Treating her with kindness while maintaining boundaries. Living my recovery.
Waves of sadness come over me. Periods of crying – healing tears. I’ve barely begun the grieving process. A long road lies ahead of me as this chapter closes. But I move forward with hope and strength; no regrets, no guilt. I am forever grateful for my CoDA recovery. I keep coming back because it works when I work it.
Alison J ~ 10.19.2021