In a crowded mall this Christmas, I went to pick up a small utility item.
I don’t need to shop much this year. In the last year I’ve slowly
dismantled a life that wasn’t so healthy. I’m starting over from
scratch. Right then, though, for a moment in the mall, I was overcome
by the sea of faces, snippets of conversation, the noise and the
lights. I felt suddenly that I would never fit in anywhere. I would
never belong. I felt so forlorn. I was alone. But I kept looking at all
these faces. I kept looking at the all the things to buy. Shoes and
sweaters. Watches belts, and twinkly earrings. Lamps and baubles. I saw
a pair of high-heeled pink suede sneakers, which would have made my
heart throb when I was a teen. But that day, as I slowly wandered past
the shining stores and dodged hurried shoppers, I realized that I
needed nothing. I was in a whole mall of shopping delights and
Christmas sales, and I saw nothing that I wanted for myself. I looked
at the faces and I saw no relationship that I wanted for myself. I
didn’t belong to these people, or to this place. Suddenly, I was glad.
I realized, with a start of surprise, that I don’t need anything in
this entire shopping palace. I am complete within me. I felt as if I
had evolved into a new spiritual creature in that mall. The critical
voices in my head suddenly became quiet. I found myself absorbing the
sights and relishing, yes, relishing that I didn’t belong. I was past
all of this. I had grown past the need to get things to show off, and
flash the status symbols, and to have people filling me. It was my
Christmas present this year from my Higher Power to me. For Christmas
this year, I got Me. I am enough.

Nancy M. (2004)