Dear A.

Thank-you for taking the time to E-mail me.  I am swamped with too much to
do right now but have printed it out to re-read at a later date.
I am, however, writing this to you because something has bothered me
for some time and would appreciate your opinion on this.  On
several occasions I’ve been out and about and suddenly a stranger will
say, in front of their friends,  “I know you from CoDA and there’s
that cute guy there, too…” and start talking with their friends about
it.  Personally I feel that’s a violation of the anonymity, I’ve
even done it myself by introducing one of my member friends to other
friends at my birthday party.  Another lady, at one of my friend’s
wedding reception did the same thing to me and when I told her I felt
uncomfortable about it she said “I don’t mind people knowing I’m in
recovery ” and I had to try and explain about boundaries.
I’ve raised the subject at my group and was told

a)  “Thanks for sharing.” and another time

b)  “It says quite clearly ‘what you see hear… let it stay here” and left at that.

My feeling is that the latter is not explanatory enough because if I’d
really understood it I wouldn’t have violated that rule and my
suggestion is that there be a little addition made to somehow explain
that not only what is said remain confidential, and by whom, but that
people themselves are to remain anonymous outside the group.
Perhaps you have a better suggestion.  I’d appreciate your input.

J.

Dear J.

Anonymity has often been a confusing and touchy issue in CoDA. We are
Co-dependents ANONYMOUS right? So anonymity seems to have some value.
Just what that is might make a good topic for a discussion
meeting!  Anyway, here are some of my thoughts on the subject. As
always, take what you like and leave the rest.

First, as the 12 Steps help guide us in our personal recovery and individual
relationships, the 12 Traditions help guide us in our recovery as a
group and group relationships. I have found that the Traditions have a
lot to offer on healthy relationships in general, and toward that end,
our 12th Tradition states “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all
our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before
personalities. In the new CoDA pamphlet “Using the Twelve Traditions,”
It goes on to explain “Anonymity challenges us to practice true
humility and reminds us that the principles of the CoDA program
transcend any individual.”

People are not actually required to remain anonymous outside the group. CoDA doesn’t govern anybody’s
behavior, and it would be hard to do “12th Step” work if we couldn’t
share our story about the program. So long as I maintain personal
anonymity in the media (press, radio, and film, Tradition 11) I may
choose to tell anyone that I am in CoDA…or not. The choice is wholly
mine, no one else’s. However, It is not for me to break anyone else’s
anonymity, not so much because of what it might do to them, but because
it is part of my recovery to let other people make their own decisions
and to mind my own business.

If I feel the urge to tell that somebody else is in CoDA I need to look at my motivation. What do I
think I gain by doing that? Do I look better if I’m not the only sick
puppy in the room? Do I look trendy or smart? If they look pretty good,
do I look good too? Or do I bring somebody down a notch by telling
others that they’re not “really” normal? I believe the greatest value
of anonymity is that it reminds us to practice humility and to refrain
from telling other people’s stories or making assumptions about what
other people are willing to have shared about them.

Anonymity also helps make CoDA a safe place to share our shadows, our demons, our
fears, and uncertainties. This type of sharing was especially scary for
me as a newcomer, and actually for a few years into the program. I was
not accustomed to making myself vulnerable. I thought I had to shield
myself from others in order to be safe. Although I don’t feel that way
anymore, it was in CoDA that I eventually learned to find safety within
myself, and anonymity helped support me while I learned. I once heard a
member of CoDA state, “it’s not like alcoholism” as if codependency is
not stigmatized and codependents should feel no shame. I disagree with
that view.

In my own experience, I often share that I am in a 12
step program. Most people have responded with interest and I have had
an opportunity to carry the message. Some people, however, have
responded with derision and mockery, and they were friends. I was
surprised and a little hurt, even though I know their reaction had a
lot more to do with them then it had to do with me. But imagine how
someone might feel to get such derision from strangers to whom their
identity as a CoDA was divulged without their consent! Growth takes
time. Anonymity in CoDA helps shelter us while we tentatively release
our old protective habits and try on self-responsibility and seek a
relationship with a higher power.

So how do we introduce CoDA friends to non-CoDA friends or spouses? Does it go like this?

Me: Honey, I’m going to lunch with some friends this afternoon.

Spouse: That’s nice. Who are you going with?

Me: Oh, uh, just some friends.

Spouse: Who? Do I know them?

Me: No, you don’t know them.

Spouse: How did you meet them?

Awkward if not actually suspicious. Or how about this one.

Spouse: Who was that on the phone?

Me: Oh, just a friend.

Spouse: You were on the phone for an hour, Anything wrong?

Me: Well, not really, she just needed to talk.

Spouse: Was it one of your CoDA friends?

Of course neither of those scenes actually demands that individual names
be divulged.  Parties are another matter.  In the following
vignette, Jean is CoDA, Sarah is not.

Me: Jean I’d like to introduce you to my friend Sarah, Sarah this is Jean.

Jean: Hi Sarah.

Sarah: Nice to meet you, Do you work with A.?

Jean: No.

Sarah: So how did you two meet?

And on it goes. AA has been dealing with this for years, and one thing they
sometimes do is to introduce a fellow AA as “a friend of Bill’s”
(founder of AA). Maybe we could introduce each other as “friends of Ken
and Mary” (founders of CoDA). Or maybe “We have some mutual friends. We
met over coffee.” This might be another good topic for a meeting.

As for addressing someone who introduces me as someone they met in CoDA,
here’s what I do. I immediately say, “And you just broke my anonymity.”
I accidentally learned that from a coworker of mine. A client saw her
in our workplace and piped up “Hey, I saw you in an AA meeting.” He
seemed pleased to recognize her but she didn’t let it pass. “And you
just broke my anonymity” she replied. He was very contrite and
apologetic. Not everyone will be. In my own experience people have
gotten a bit defensive. That’s OK. I’m not mad at them, but it is a
boundary issue, and I am responsible for asking for what I want.
In this case I want my anonymity to be respected.  I can say
something like “I don’t want my anonymity broken outside the meeting.
Please don’t tell people I’m in CoDA.” If they don’t like it I can’t
change that but I can share my thoughts and feelings on the subject and
then…let it go.

So that’s my viewpoint (although a bit
longwinded to be sure.) I believe you’re on the right track. Trust your
gut. Trust yourself. Speak your truth, but don’t spin your wheels
trying to get anyone else to “change” or even to “understand.” Those
who already understand will find you when you are true to yourself.
Love,

A (2000)