Even after initially discovering codependency and reading books that helped me slightly to detach, I never truly knew just how abusive my relationship was until I was recently arrested for domestic violence. Never in a million years did I imagine that I, an attractive, seemingly well put together, young petite woman would end up in jail for two nights, with a battery charge. 

My relationship was built on lies, manipulation, alcoholism, jealousy, violence—the opposite of the definition of love. I always knew this but in my mind I was fighting for better days. I stayed and I stayed, and my partner stayed, and lied and cheated, and I built up more and more anger and more and more resentment, but I refused to face it, and I refused to let go.

One night I read messages between him and a woman exchanging I love yous, and I was drunk and in anger threw his tablet and after physically fighting each other, and his Rottweiler biting me a few times, he called the police. 

When the cops arrived I admitted to being the perpetrator to avoid his arrest, not knowing I would be arrested instead. I guess I thought it would never happen to me. They took me to a hospital in handcuffs to have the dog bites cleaned and stitched and I spent the next two days in jail.

It’s been three months since this incident. I have had no contact with him since and I am struggling so much to move past this, but I am so proud of myself for my progress. With the help of CoDA readings and therapy I have discovered many reasons for having lost myself the way that I dId. I wrote this poem hopIng to reach out to those experiencing anythIng similar to what I’ve been through. I know what it feels lIke to hide in lonely dark corners that you think no one else has been In. I often wondered: what the hell happened to me? I often must remind myself, I can do this. I can recover.

What happened to you?
So you are burned and bruised?
You escaped the belly of
Codependency 
and you’re still battered and used

You still miss your abuser 
but you don’t tell a soul 
to avoid their confusion
Deception strong rooted

You’re so weak to the enemy 
Let him run you in circles
Let him brIng you to your knees
To beg and plead 

What happened to you?
You can learn
How to sit in your bones 
And your scars 
They will show
As signs of strength
And tremendous growth

You can shine 
Brighter Than your aggressor 
Brighter Than your dependence 
Brighter Than the toxic situation 
You can take deep breaths 
You can pray 
The pain to go away

What happened to you?
You forgot you are
Born alone
It is you 
Who must create
Your own home

And a man who puts his hands
Around your neck 
Will suffocate your soul
Will always cause 
Chaos beyond your control

Can you see what you miss?
What love you’re longIng to kiss?
Maybe next time
He will hit with his fist
What happened to you?  
 

Best Regards,

Monica M.  – 03/12/2019