Last
year a former member of my CoDA meeting, Toni, committed suicide. She
attended the meeting for about two years and moved to another city.
Toni maintained a strong friendship with another member here, Lesley.
One Monday, Toni didn’t show up for work. Lesley expressed concern and
fear as she processed what she knew. That afternoon Lesley called the
police and that evening the news came that Toni was gone. I heard the
guilt in Lesley’s voice as she did the “if onlys.” Lesley has worked
hard on her recovery, and I believe she will process her grief and
realize she was powerless over Toni.

It took a day for my
feelings to surface. I felt so sad. I’ve been in Toni’s shoes thinking
that no one would care if I died and what a logical solution death
seemed. I asked my brother once, “would you care if I died?” He
responded, “I wouldn’t be surprised if you killed yourself one day.” I
thought, “Wow, he doesn’t mind.” He was on of the reasons I struggled
to hang on because I didn’t want to inflict more loss on him. I felt
released hearing him say that. The next morning he phoned wanting to
talk to me during lunch. He had contacted several therapists that
morning and was told that I was suicidal or borderline. I was stunned
and a little disappointed because the “release” was not there after
all. He never told me he loved or cared about me then (we didn’t grow
up in an emotion-based family) but his actions spoke loudly and I heard
the message. I told him I wouldn’t do it, and I kept my promise.
Today I realize his actions then were important to why I survived those
dark days.  I am grateful.

I’ve been in the black hole of
despair and know how hopeless things can appear.  Problems don’t
get better by themselves and there’s no magic pill to make them
better.  They get better because I’m willing to fight for myself,
go to meetings, and feel the pain and fear I used to stuff.  To
heal I have to do the work.  Work that Toni, for whatever reason,
was not able to do.  some people seem to think that codependency
isn’t that dangerous because it doesn’t kill your liver or destroy your
body so obviously as other addictions do.  It kills in more subtle
ways like putting yourself in dangerous situations.  I am so glad
I reached out and got help.  I gritted my teeth, took the steps
and did the work.  I slowly got better and I thank my Higher Power
for the gift.

I will mourn Toni.  My friend has found
peace int he arms of her loving Higher Power.  I asked members if
it was alright to honor Toni at our CoDA meeting and they graciously
agreed even though several members had not met Toni.  Lesley read
a couple of e-mails from Toni.  I read a share from a member who
had moved away.  Then we opened the meeting to sharing.  It
was a powerful experience.  CoDA has given me the tools to work
through despair in my life–that’s why I keep coming back.

Anonymous (2011)