I grew up in rural Oklahoma during the 1950s and 1960s, surrounded by family. My mother was one of nine siblings—three brothers and six sisters—which resulted in 30 first cousins on her side alone. When I was nine, my parents built a house next to my maternal grandparents, so most of my evenings and weekends were spent with those relatives. While the adults visited, I often found myself among cousins and relatives, feeling isolated as one of the younger ones. Many relatives seemed quick to put me down; even now, I can still hear my grandfather’s voice, saying I was “as worthless as tits on a boar hog.” 

That small community held many secrets—incest and dysfunction were prevalent, and emotional support was virtually nonexistent. For me, childhood was confusing, leaving me profoundly unprepared for adulthood. I developed many dysfunctional coping mechanisms in that environment. I think the most troubling of which was seeing myself as a victim. It was a survival skill in that environment, an ability to assign blame outside myself for my troubles. I became anxious, always expecting to be victimized in one way or another. 

Through recovery, I’ve come to recognize that much of my anxiety stems from my own conspiracy theories. I had created my own misery by projecting onto others the same negative intentions I carried within myself. This mindset dominated my relationships and worldview for years, making me feel powerless and trapped. Though I may never fully understand the origins of this perspective, recognizing it has been essential. Now, through CoDA, I am learning that I have the power to choose a new way of viewing the world and of connecting with others. 

Byrle S. 

11/12/2024