I wrote this as I was entering another relationship where I knew I would lose myself to their desires and wishes, where I already saw the pattern happening that I had played out so many times before. I wrote it before I knew I was codependent or why I kept going through this. I wrote this because I was terrified, because I felt like I was about to lose myself all over again, and nothing is scarier than that.

The Sunken Place

My weakness brings me to my knees

But not in humility

In submission

But not in the holy way

In the way where I give myself away

Like a slave with no say

I become a possession

And the control has begun.

My voice drifts off

My rights fade too

I exist for someone else:

Their extension.

The take-over has begun.

My spirit is terrified

I fear for my very life

Losing yourself is so scary

Existing as the source of

someone else’s happiness.

Is a large burden to carry.

I try to claw my way out

But I can’t find the escape

My arms grow weak

It is easier to lie still

Lifeless, void.

Yet worshiped as a pretty toy.

Right and wrong is confusing

Love and control

Dominance and submission

Down and up

I am now floating in the inbetween

In the sunken place.

Looking back at this now from a distance I realize I had so many clues to my problem, but no solution. Because of CoDA I am so relieved to see a door of freedom before me now, of liberation. Addressing my codependency I will learn an inner strength I have never known. And no one will be able to “own” me again. I will have to write a poem about that one day. (:

Jenell W., April 14, 2021