We grew up in a chaotic household. I am the oldest of 9 kids and took care of my siblings. I recall being out of control when codependency ran my life. 

I was codependent with my mom and depended on her but she wasn’t dependable. I idolized my mom and thought I was proud of her for buying me lots of clothes, and being the center of attention. 

My codependency also manifested itself by taking on my mom’s feelings and believing it. She used to say “it’s a fact”, when in fact she just acts on her feelings and blames. When I made mistakes she obsessed about it and would often say “be ashamed of yourself”. Today I say “Ouch don’t be ashamed of who you are just learn from everything and everyone!”

I grew up with criticism and control; so did my parents. That I just took abuse as a matter of fact blows my mind. I’m hurting for my kids today as I see how abuse and codependency is a matter of fact. Never did I envision my life this way!

My mom’s behaviors were dangerous for me. I could not have a drop of her; she only views me as an object representing what she hates about herself.  It always felt off to me and I harbored resentments. Today I choose not to see my mom unless she stops her cruel codependent behaviors which is also helping to rob my kids and grandkids away from me. Then I got into a marriage similar to my mom and became more and more codependent with him. Little did I see how damaged my husband was but went on and on the way I did as a child. 

My husband’s mean behaviors still affect me at times. We eventually got divorced after bitter quarrels. I didn’t realize at the time of our divorce that I was in my husband’s mind not mine. I wasn’t in my right mind and made many crucial decisions out of that desperate place. Ever since I’m struggling to make it alone in the world. 

Then I got involved with a guy, also codependent, which eventually ended up bitter. The pain of that last relationship eventually led me to CoDA, which I’m grateful for. To this day it has given me a life and solutions! It’s helping me be ok no matter what’s going on. I have myself and god to rely on. I’m healing and recovering from my past by working CoDA steps. I’m learning new things about myself and others every day!

Thank you CoDA!

Anonymous, July 1, 2020