I took the dog out to relieve himself  before bed and while gazing up at the clouds in the night sky I could see the moon behind them struggling to peek out. Staring at the beauty of it, I stood motionless with my flashlight in hand thinking about how I was like that moon struggling to shine above my spiritual stagnation and move towards higher transformative vibrations.

All my life I have been like that struggling moon, enduring clouded visions and unrealistic expectations. What I see is just my perception of reality. The moon is not behind those clouds, nor could I see the moon if it weren’t for the sun. It’s all interdependent, just as we human beings are interdependent with each other. What I interpret as a sign for me to overcome my core issues others may interpret as me being light of mind.  It’s all perception and that changes gradually as I work on my various issues and grow into the best version of myself that I can be. However, I can’t do it alone. I need to surrender to my higher power and realize that I cannot succeed without the help of others. We are all interdependent on one another for survival and growth.

 As I stand there ruminating, I hear a whining sound. The dog is ready to go inside and confused about why I am just standing there cheering on the moon. Feeling the accord with the little half moon inside my spirit, I am in awe and tears well up in my eyes. 

I’m coming up on one year in CoDA. I have been working on myself after almost dying last year due to alcoholism and as I work my steps in CoDA, talk with my sponsor, and attend therapy a new me is beginning to emerge from the clouded views and perceptions of myself and the world around me. With all these tools accessible to me, I am able to reach down and break free from the subterfuge that has derailed me my whole life.

The dog stood patiently as I sobbed, pleading with that moon to rise higher and break free of the clouds. Like the moon somehow symbolized my life. My dog was tired, but I could’ve stayed all night waiting for the little moon to break free of the clouds. I don’t know how much I was seeing was real and how much is my sanguine thinking.

Maybe I’m just imagining that the moon is peeking out higher than it actually is. I pet my dog on top of his head and apologized for keeping him waiting. I opened the door to the house to let him in, but not before taking one last look over my shoulder at that struggling moon which had just barely peered over the top of the cloud. I thought to myself:

“If La Luna can do it then so can I. Viva Chiquita Luna! Hooray little moon, hooray minuscule me.” Let’s go, dog…

Pamela W. ~ October 9th, 2019