Born in Britain in 1945, as World War II ended, from very early, I experienced the loss of any security of parenting or home stability. I have suppressed memories of sexual abuse. The pain of being deprived of love and security caused a deep, wrenching outpouring of grief that did not happen until my mid-forties. Even though in my 20’s I knew it needed to come out, but I was too locked up to truly grieve.
Then one day, as I was starting out in a new career as a church minister, I snapped at a parishioner. I was shocked at what came out of me at her, because it was just like my abusive older brother’s sharp, controlling anger. Then I knew I needed help. Even though the incident was repaired, I was sure now was the time to make emotional healing my top priority.
I had already started CoDA meetings. Through them I heard of a 40 day “rehab” which was for codependents and included CoDA meetings and literature. At that residential center, pain was surfacing. I was put in touch with locked-up grief and anger. It was a place where I could cry openly. But even after that, I still hungered for love and for a sense of home. Physically I had a wife, son, and home but it could not touch the depth of my loneliness and alienation. I needed more and I attended more of such events, weekend ones, a 9-day one, some of them built around the 12 Steps, and some around inner child work. I got a lot of anger out. I began to relax my sense of a higher power, being more open to feelings than rules.
One day I was determined in asking my Higher Power to give me a feeling of home. It seemed that it was because I was so determined that it happened. From my deepest self came my first feeling of security and peace. But I still hungered desperately for the mothering kind of love. That was hard because I was not open to my Higher Power offering that. Still, one day I felt touched by a presence some would call religious, but it began a new journey of discovering how to meditate to feel that “mother love”. I continue that to this day and being able to share openly at CoDA meetings helps me work the 12 Steps and let go of old patterns, piece by piece. So, I will keep coming back!
Jeremy A. 8/31/22