I wrote this recently. CoDA and other programs have been such a great support to me. I’m not perfect, but I’m working on me and that’s what matters most.

“Sometimes the Worry Monster Wins”

It’s been years of taming this thing, this visceral, scared, thing. Years of trying to give it a name, of trying to put it into words, of crying through it in the dark, dirty nights. For so long, nothing helped. For so long, I let it take my hand, pull me, to the ground, to the left, to the back. But slowly, through friends who understand, through strangers at tables who share, through kind souls I pay to listen, and through medication Ferris wheels, I’ve been able to learn to escape. To break the chains of my broken, wanting, inner child and to breathe again with lungs that feel less heavy.

But sometimes, my heart is too big. Sometimes my goodness gets the best of me, and I forget that I was not made to bleed for others’ choices. I spent so long in pain, so long being lost inside other people’s stories that I could never trust my own. I needed to be needed, I needed to be the best friend, the best sister, the best partner, but I never ever got it back.

Every day is still a fight against the worry monster, each day it’s a fight to just be the best me just for me. I don’t always win, and on those days, I find my suffering again, giving up my peace to try to help others find theirs. I am then left battered, abused, and made to question the new me that I’ve carefully built.

But I always find my way again. It’s getting easier to sink into the quiet, easier to turn off my phone, breathe back into myself. Now, I can finally send the monster away… with a voice that doesn’t shake.

Staci B. 06/07/2024