All my life I have struggled to be what I wanted to be. Sometimes I did things well and felt good about that; most times it was just daily routine or worse, never very satisfying. Then I discovered CoDA and the many ways my thoughts were the source of the churning in my gut. Nevertheless, I couldn’t stop the thoughts; the churning continued.

Then one morning as I woke up, I had a new thought, “What if, as an experiment, I decided to accept myself, including faults, strengths, everything, as I am at this moment? After all, I am powerless as soon as this moment happens.” Immediately, I experienced such a sense of peace that I hardly believed it. I held myself in that state, as if holding my breath, for a few seconds, then a minute, then for several minutes, clinging to the thought. I continued doing just that as I gradually began the routine of my day, not talking about it but fully oriented there. And the feeling of peace continued that day, and the day after, and for all the days following. And so, it has continued from that time, ten to fifteen years ago, to the present.

Oh, I still fuss at myself when things go wrong. But now I can laugh with the thought of a Joker-in-the-Sky god who does tricks on me just when I have my plans made, recalling, “Make your plans so God has something to laugh at.” Of course, I don’t need to believe there is such a god, but either way I can still construct in my mind imaginings that I find comforting. That is, after all, the only way anything can get there. So, I am free, if I choose, to accept myself as I am and to think of nearly everything else as parts in a divine comedy for me to be part of.

JB – 2/1/22