A couple of
years ago I was diagnosed with “Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome”. I was
borne into a dysfunctional family system. Rage and violence were the
norm. My childhood was one of chronic fear. There were a series of life
threatening situations that were a part of my childhood. I survived by
disassociating. To escape my family of origin I became pregnant and
married at a young age. I no now that I subconsciously recreated my
childhood in my marriage. I continued playing out these childhood
patterns in my marriage. I remained stuck in this marriage for
seventeen years living from crisis to crisis, from life threatening
situation to life threatening situation. Slowly over the years I found
my soul dieing. With each crisis I found myself not caring if my life
came to a violent end. Anything seemed better then continuing to
survive as I was surviving. I bottomed out in my seventeenth year of
marriage and sought out CoDA.

In those early months of recovery
I found the strength I needed in the fellowship to end that destructive
marriage. In that first year of recovery I sought out another
relationship. This time the patterns of my codependency played out in a
more subtle fashion. I again chose a partner who was unhealthy for me.
This time I chose someone who was active in their sexual addiction. I
again exposed myself to life threatening circumstances by risking my
health…. exposing myself disease. It was a short lived relationship
and I credit my program and the fellowship in helping me end another
destructive relationship much quicker this time.

It was after
this relationship ended that I found myself alone for the first time in
my life. I have found in my recovery that great pain always precedes
great growth. It is during this painful period of my life that healing
really began for me. I began having lucid dreams about my childhood.
Childhood memories long buried began surfacing at first through my
dreams and then through flashbacks triggered by sounds, smells, and
situations presented to me throughout my days. It was during this
difficult time that I had to rely on my program. I had heard a lot
about willingness in those early months. The willingness to go to any
lengths to get better. I had to rely on my program, my Higher Power,
and the fellowship to see me through this difficult time. I didn’t
understand what was happened to me and I thought I was going crazy. The
feelings attached to these flashbacks and dreams were overwhelming for
me. I can only describe them with one word terror. I sought out therapy
and was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. In order for me
to get better I had to relive the traumas of my past with a therapist,
allow myself to experience the feelings that I had not allowed myself
to as a child and young adult, and begin healing from them.

I
relied on my home group a lot during this painful period of my life.
They truly became my family. Each member played a role in becoming
substitutes for the voids in my own birth family. Members at different
times modeled for me healthy relationships as they stepped into the
roles of mother, father, sisters, brothers, and friends as I began to
heal. Each member was instrumental in helping me in my journey of
healing.

It was towards the end of this painful period that the
dynamics of my home group began to change. As members from other CoDA
groups began attending my home group the atmosphere changed. Power
struggles and cliques began to form. The unity of our group began to
deteriorate. The concept of principles over personalities was lost. I
experienced what had once been a safe, nurturing environment turn into
a unhealthy, toxic atmosphere. My program called on me to address the
problem during a group conscience. No one ever said this is an easy
program. This journey for me has been one of constant challenge,
courage and hard work. There was much fallout from addressing the
Tradition violations in my home group. As members began to drop out of
this group I had to face the reality that the foundation of this group
was crumbling and was jeopardizing my own recovery. I needed to walk
away from the group. The group became inactive a short time later. The
only other CoDA meeting available in this area also began to
deteriorate and die.

I found myself without my support system. I
had to remember what I had come to learn that great pain precedes great
growth. I was searching for answers to what had happened to our group.
I realized that I needed to study the Traditions and look for the
answers there. I turned to the roots of the program, to where it all
started in AA. I read what was available in that program. “AA Comes of
Age”, “The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions”, “Pass it On”, and “Dr.
Bob and the Good Old-timers”, were books that were instrumental in
helping me understand the importance of the Traditions. I was amazed to
learn how uninformed I was. This experience became one of those
“spiritual awakenings” that have become the rewards of my recovery. I
developed a deep love for these Traditions. They became as important to
my recovery as the steps were.
This small group was borne out of
this experience with the Traditions. It was the hope of this group to
become more informed about the Traditions to insure the safety of our
meeting. It was agreed that we would devote one meeting a month to
studying a Tradition. Recently when I stumbled across the article about
the Traditions, I had to examine my own behavior. As I look back over
my last year and a half history with this meeting,, I realize that I
haven’t been responsible enough in sharing my experience, strength, and
hope in regards to the Traditions. There is still a lot of fear that
crops up in me from these experiences. Part of the process for me has
been learning that I have choices to make. Awareness, acceptance,
action, and accountability have become the guideposts in my recovery.
It is no longer acceptable for me to tell myself that Traditions
violations don’t affect me, my group, or CoDA as a whole. Although it
would be easier and feel safer to ignore violations and tell myself it
doesn’t affect me, I have a responsibility to myself, my group, my
region, my state, and the fellowship as a whole to find the courage to
address violations as they happen. I have come to understand what it
means, as our Big Book states, that it is the responsibility of every
member to address Tradition violations. Each violation, no matter how
small, starts a crack in the foundation and if left unpatched weakens
us all.
CoDA has saved my life. If I hadn’t found CoDA when I needed
it I am not sure I would be alive today. I no longer need to stay stuck
in my pattern of victimization. I like what the CoDA Book says about
the promises: “They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly,
sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”
Recovery is hard work but many of the promises have been fulfilled in
my life. I know if I continue to work hard I can look forward to
receiving many more gifts. It is not always easy to do the right thing
but I have learned that I can no longer take the easy way out in my
recovery and expect to continue to grow.

I also know that with
everything I have been given in this program, that I have a
responsibility to give back. As I search for God’s will for me and a
purpose in my life, I realize that giving back even a fraction of what
I have received will give my life greater meaning. A couple of years
ago I attended a speaker meeting at the local AA clubhouse. Above the
podium I read a slogan that has remained with me. It read: “I am
responsible. When anyone, anywhere reaches out a hand to AA, I want the
hand of AA to be there. For that I am responsible.”

I cannot
remain responsible and ignore Tradition violations. I have experienced
the void in my life when a safe meeting was not available. I want CoDA
to grow and be available for anyone who searches us out. I carry the
responsibility of sharing my experience, strength and hope about these
Traditions. In order to ensure that CoDA strengthens and grows I must
practice these principles in all my affairs. I hope in sharing my
experiences with the Traditions that I have taken a step in that
direction.