First of all I figured that, if it is important to abstain from “codependent
behavior” then I needed to know exactly what I was supposed to abstain from,
and I needed it short, to the point, and easy to remember and apply. In 1990 I
was diagnosed as codependent by a therapist who informed me that codependency is
an obsessive-compulsive disorder, so I started with that premise.

As I understand it, an obsession is an unwanted,
unpleasant thought. A compulsion is an act designed to get rid of that unwanted,
unpleasant thought. The compulsion works for a while, but then the obsession
comes back and the whole thing starts over again. “Doing the same thing
expecting different results.” “If only they were different then I would be
happy.” Yeah, that sounds like the tune.

So I figure
codependency has two parts: A persistent attention to what’s wrong with
somebody else’s thoughts, feelings, or actions, combined with repeated
attempts to influence somebody else’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.

No surprise that this manifests in strained relationships.

I can use this definition 24 hrs. at a time. I can quit trying to influence
others by overt or covert means. This I can abstain from while I work on my
program and I can share it with those I sponsor. This definition also helps me
apply AA wisdom to my issues, which I find helpful. In AA they can say
"Don’t drink and get to a meeting." Now I can say "Don’t try to
influence anybody else and get to a meeting." Just like the alcoholic has
to abstain from alcohol, but the desire for alcohol is only lifted
through working the Steps, so to do I have to abstain from attempting to
influence or change other people. Period. The desire to change them will
be lifted as I work the Steps.

CoDA is for people who realize that they are in a strained relationship and that
what they are doing isn’t working. CoDA is for people who want to stop
attempting to influence or control how someone else acts, thinks or feels.

CoDA is not for people who want to make someone else "understand." It
is not for people who want to "manage" the relationship better. It is
for people who want to quit altogether the incessant anxiety, worry, and futile
attempts to influence or change another person.

That doesn’t mean I
must stop caring or that I must tolerate abuse. I can ask for what I want, but
if someone does not give me what I want, I seek it elsewhere. I can voice my
thoughts and feelings, but if someone doesn’t understand or care, I drop it and
move on. I don’t ignore the needs of others, but I consider my own needs first
and I try always to act in my own best interest.