‘I watched as you slept’

How little was I to know that the lessons were all about me.

As you slept, I watched you breathe. Each breath you took – I could softly feel. Your hands moved with the
rhythms known only to you as you dreamed. As you slept – I felt.

The feelings, thoughts, and tumbling ideas about the “you” and “I” where all being generating inside my head. Looking back – I was generating my own “life lies”. Now after the healing of time – the convolutions – the
tyranny of my thinking – I had chosen to do to myself. The powerful emotions of connection, longing, anger, dis-appointment were mis-placed – into the air. I was the one doing the “self doing” – “self drugging”.

How was I to know that the care I felt, the support I provided could never replace you first true love – addiction. Of what greater self servicing cause can a codependent be involved in than “helping another” – who has an addiction. Within codependency – the values of compassion become convoluted and dysfunctional.

The journey of the self, the I the “abler” become I the “enabler”. Truth is painful. My codependency, once I admit the
behaviors to myself and provide my self with the label – was painful and emotional chaos. 

The real beginning of my codependent learning was one of walking into a room of women. These ladies, my friends – helped me to ask and challenge my thinking. Days, weeks, months and yes years passed as I retaped my thinking and behaviors. My lessons of my codependent behaviors will never stop. Using the “I” statement – I did learn something. 

Guy A