A letter to my husband:

 

I am very sorry it has come to this. It is not what I envisioned for myself or us. I frickin’ hate the breaking up part, but I have to be honest and say that I am happy. I finally know that God loves me and that I can really trust him. It is hard to explain because I have been saying those words for a long, long time, but it is not until I finally learned that I am worthy of being loved that I learned to stop expecting perfection of myself and was able to truly experience the love of God.

 

The "I’m right your wrong, look how perfect I am, I do everything better than you because I know what’s best in every situation!" was all just to cover up how truly unworthy and crappy I felt about myself.

 

But now, yes, I am happy inside of me. Blessed and content and even excited about my life! And all because of God shoving me out the door to go to a CoDA meeting! He knew exactly what I needed and when I was finally ready.

 

What I truly want for you is for God to transform your life too so we can get back together if we so desire at that time. I am not interested in anyone else; I am just learning to be happy with me right now so I will never be a burden to my loved ones again and depend on them to make me happy (cause they can’t anyway). I have to choose to do what I need to do to be happy! I am powerless over others but man am I just packed full and overflowing with power over me, my life, my choices, my feelings, my reactions, and responses all of it! I have power, God given Dunamis power! Woohoo! It is amazing! I can choose what kind of relationship to have with my sister, my brother, my friends, kids, everyone! I can tell them honestly how I feel, and if they don’t like it and/or don’t want to do anything to make things better between us, I don’t have to feel crappy about me or keep trying to fix them. I am powerless over them, but I have full power over me in how I respond or react or what I do, say, and yes, even feel! I can choose how to feel in the long run. I don’t have to stick with that initial "reaction" feeling! Woo hoo. Now that is power! That is feeling! That is joy abounding! Thanks for listening.

 

Jean 12/17/16