Before CoDA, I was severely depressed. I thought of suicide, not because I
wanted to kill myself, but because I couldn’t see how to live my life
differently, and life was painful. I hardly left the house. I spent a lot of
time in bed or on my couch, avoiding the world. I felt “less than.” I couldn’t
form new relationships. I was dependent in my primary relationship. I had
scars—physical and emotional. I waited for someone to rescue me.

Nobody did.

Then I read that there was an organization called Co-Dependents Anonymous. I
assumed there would be no meetings near me. In my negativity, I assumed there
would only be meetings in the city, where I didn’t want to drive. But there were
CoDA meetings in my area, close to home, easy to get to. No excuses now—I
could and did go to a meeting.

The meeting was in a church basement, and I was raised Jewish. I had never been
to any 12th Step meeting. It was difficult for me to do anything unfamiliar,
because I had been living like a hermit. But that night, in that room, I heard
people share about things that I had been feeling. I realized that others felt
and thought as I did. I identified with so much that I heard in that musty
basement. I had been suffering from “terminal uniqueness”—the idea that I was
different from everybody else. I thought life was harder for me than anybody
else. Turns out there were people in the world like me, after all.

During the break, I felt uncomfortable. I felt like everybody knew each other,
that everybody else had people to talk to. I felt like an “outsider,” the same
role I played in my family. (Big surprise there) But I knew I had to keep going
back. I went back to that meeting and to many others over the years.

I gradually learned to identify my feelings. I learned to make decisions. I
shared using “I” statements. I learned that I couldn’t control others; no matter
how hard I tried. (It hadn’t worked, but I had kept trying anyway.) All change
seemed hugely risky to me. I was afraid of the tiniest steps, and was slow to
make changes. Only when I became willing to try new behaviors could I hope to
change anything in myself or in my life.

I practiced new ways of behaving in old relationships. I let go of unhealthy
ones. I learned I could love. I began to feel the love that others felt for me.
I was able to communicate with my parents in a new and better way. I let go of a
lot of resentments. I gradually learned to speak for myself.

Slowly, very slowly, I formed new relationships.

My recovery journey—so far—is 13 years. It continues because I need to stay in
touch with my Higher Power and my fellow codependents. I continue doing service
to keep my recovery strong.
I have come to believe in the power of the CoDA Fellowship.